This Unemployed Life

Final Post: Scenes from Employment

2010-08-29T20:11:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is indeed my last post. As I start my wonderful new job and life here below the Mason-Dixon line, I have come to find that I have much less time or inclination to continue blogging under this title. It is time for a new chapter and a new blog...maybe.

But first, a little bit about what it is like to be employed, because I had forgotten.

I love my new job. It feels like a vacation. I get to go in and drink free coffee from the lunch room every morning. There is always someone new to talk to and get to know. But honestly, the best part is that I am respected. No one to call me crazy cat lady, want me to meow or say the most horrific things about my volunteering. Instead, I am seen as an experienced compliance professional with much to add to the team. I am given the ability to run with projects that I think would be beneficial to the firm. There is nothing or no one standing in my way or telling me to stop thinking like I am at a big firm.

I have a great boss and great co-workers. They all want to see me succeed and be part of the team. It is pretty awesome. I feel like I belong.

As I go off and explore this new city, I am very excited and hopeful that I will make it all that I can.

Thanks to all my readers and rest assured, perhaps someday you will encounter a blog and say....hey, I think I know that girl.

when it rains it pours

2010-08-20T16:19:00.000-04:00

I really wish it were raining cats and dogs (or just cats), and that I was referring to alcohol being poured. It's not like that at all. I mean, sometimes I spend some time in an alternate reality where there are lots of fluffy, cute kittens and it precipitates Jack & Ginger. But that's a whole other post.

Au contrair mon cheri, it is raining ex-blokes and crazy problems, resulting in a comedic soap opera of epic proportions.

First, in mid-July, MG reappears but I think it is only because I have a career connection for him. But, finally after a month, I talked to him and it oddly felt like talking to an uncle which is super weird considering that we dated.

Then, some other young 24 year old of Ugandan and Brit ex-pat status started coming round again. Next it was an old, old, on again off again mate of mine who it is fun to hang with until he meets my friends, starts dating one and then starts acting like a jerk again.

On my birthday eve, a super hot 25 year old who I met on the eve of his birthday three months ago, called out of the blue and now he is coming to visit me in Atlanta when I get settled in. He even already bought his ticket.

Perhaps my most favourite, is the hot Bangladeshi who (oh wait, now he is a FB friend and may read this post, but oh well), drunkenly contacted me with a concocted apology and explanation of why he stood me up that one night not so long ago, but long enough ago for me to have deleted his number and forget about him. Turns out he and his bestie broke up their friendship over a bird. He did say he thought he was going to be the guy to sweep me off my feet, so I forgave him and now I check in on his mental status at least once a day. I am way too nice. Fact is, I miss his easy-going, sweet demeanour. And, he is sooo handsome. I love how sometimes he just kind of shyly grins.

My least favourite is this random strange person who I used to be texting buddies with (hey, unemployment is boring) and after he got to be a little ridiculous once, I decided we should not talk any more. Well, he reappeared too, via FB. I am seriously considering taking myself off FB now.

I did, however, send away the very rude bloke I had drinks with in ATL who started acting like a 5 year old having a temper tantrum when I refused to let him come home with me after our first date. Seriously, he was actually whining. He is 34 and owns his own company. Yet, a mere rejection sends him into a tizzy, and he peels out of the parking lot like Danica Patrick. Then he has the nerve to call me a meanie and expect me to continue talking to him. I really do know how to find them, eh?

Earlier this week started with friends blowing me off for quiz night on my birthday. Then I realized my drivers license expires today and I have to take an actual driving test to get it renewed. There weren't any test appointments available until September and no matter how much I begged, pleaded, cried and gave my sad, sad sob story, no one would make any kind of exception for me or help me out. Well, I can't rent a rental car to drive myself down if I do not have a valid driver's license, so now I have to have my friend from Richmond drive in, drive me to ATL, then drive back to Richmond.

No, really. It gets even better. So yesterday, while my license was still valid, I rented a car so that I could run errands. Like buying cat supplies and return things I had borrowed and such. I was supposed to return it by 5:30 last night but I ran out of time and didn't make it back, so I parked on the street because I didn't have my gate clicker to the secured lot with me.

There is this driveway-ish thing, totally unmarked, where the trash bins are located and you're not supposed to park in front of it, so that the trash people can get the trash out on Friday mornings. Yep, I accidentally and apparently without knowing it, parked like 6 inches over the invisible line that doesn't exist. So, the trash people called the police who called Budget who didn't call me until...yep, the tow truck was just pulling away. I have never cursed so loudly in front of myself. The Budget people called at 7:46am and asked, Did the police call you yet? Ha ha ha. Imagine waking up to that. I was so thoroughly confused.

The worst part is that the cops had my information and could have just bloody called me to ask me to move my car, or perhaps I would have demanded they clearly delineate the no parking zone with the requisite yellow paint. They just wanted $150 in their deficited pockets.

So, to the impound lot I went. Upon arrival, I presented my photo ID and Budget paperwork, but it turns out I brought the Budget brochure thing they put your receipt in, but the receipt inside was for Uhaul, from when I bought boxes. After copious calls to try to get the darn Budget office to answer the phone, I got the guy to fax over the relevant paperwork. Oh, and I took a taxi there because it was only 5 miles away and the bus schedule did not meet my time schedule. Surprise, surprise.

I was told to go look for my car in row C. I asked if the keys were in the car. Only after the lady looked at me like I was an idiot and stated, Well of course not, you would have them. We just towed it from the street.... did I realize that in fact, I was an idiot and had forgotten the keys to the car! Called the taxi again, ran and got my keys, and got the car and took it back to the rental center.

That, ladies and gentlemen....is my week in review. I hope you have enjoyed this comedy of errors brought to you exclusively by...me. Of course, because this shit just doesn't happen to anyone else.

The Importance of Being Earnest

2010-08-17T22:55:00.000-04:00

I am told that the movie entitled "The Importance of Being Earnest" is about a set of late century something or others who avoid proper social obligations by setting out excuses and busying themselves with non-existant relatives or friends in need of tending. Alliances are forged, and denied, based on the size of trust funds and in the end, the subjects realize the importance of being earnest. Hence, the title.

But what exactly is earnest? Or who is Ernest? Well...Ernest is just a bloke in Oscar Wilde's last play and earnest is defined by sincerity and intention. Earnest is something I find so few people these days actually have.

I realize that in the last year I have disappeared, been depressed (severely), hidden myself for weeks, changed in so many ways and in some ways, avoided my usual social obligations by busying myself with the oh so real existence of unemployment. In turn, friends have represented their personal level of earnestness by their own lack of involvement. This continues.

I do not maintain my complete innocence or absolve myself from guilt in maintaining my sincerity and intention with friends. I fully admit I was a bit of a bugger while I was unemployed. Vast oceans of uncertainty and waves of anger and sadness overwhelmed me. While at the bottom of my heart, I would have done anything for any friend who called upon me, the reality is that my outward behaviour betrayed my sincerity and good intentions. There were a few months in particular that were so much worse than the recent months when I have seemed to regain some semblance of my former self.

Now I find myself in something of a bind. Long story short, I cannot drive myself and the cats to Atlanta and I must call in reinforcements. But alas, who among my "friends" are earnest? For many, I have dropped all on the proverbial dime to accommodate them in their time of need...or desire. Mostly desire, sometimes need, but always, I am to the rescue. I have ooohed and aahhed over the blushing bride. I have lent my car to the carless. An ear and a shoulder to catch tears and sadness. Giving up my time and energy for causes greater than my own. Reaching out, putting in touch, connecting and disbursing my care for the welfare of others.

What does this gain me? Snubbed, forgotten, ignored, endless nights alone with two cats. I begin to realize this evening how much people will use you, before they discard you. Who will really and earnestly care for you as you cared for them? There are so few you can honestly count on.

To those this week who honour the importance of being earnest, I honour you. You carry me, support me, listen and do, when all others forget, ignore and disdain. And while this evening, copious tears prevail over those who do not reciprocate my measures of earnest, it makes those who do all the more important and meaningful in my life. Thank you for seeing the good in spite of the occasional, temporary bad.

Insomnia

2010-08-17T05:41:00.000-04:00

I once wrote an abcedarian poem with this title. It is a poem in which each line starts with the next letter of the alphabet, starting with A, onwards, hence...ABCedarian. I have no idea why that just came to mind, except that presently it is 5:23am and I have not gotten so much as a wink of sleep in the last few hours. My allergies are bothering me, my condo is full of boxes. My closets are almost empty and I have three silly bands on my wrist.

It was my big 3-0 birthday yesterday. It wasn't the celebratory event I had always dreamed and hoped for. I guess there was a reason that, after my 29th birthday, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I wanted to do for the next one. So, I guess I didn't really have any expectations. My biggest birthday present, and best, is that I get to start my dream job in a week!

I am so profoundly excited about this that, even though each step of the way has been fraught (I love that word) with obstacles and general pain-in-the-assery (and I just made that one up), each time I think about getting to go to work next week Monday, I am nigh to ecstatic.

One obstacle, other than packing, remains: my drivers license expires and I would have to take a driving test to get a new license in my old state. Why is this an issue? Because I have 5 more days in this state and 4 more days of valid license and on day 5, need to rent a car to drive to my new state. I doubt I will be allowed, so I need to figure out if I can schedule a driving test and get my license renewed, or if I can somehow finagle my way to a rental car without wasting the time and money. I imagine this will take some amount of magic to accomplish. Normally driving tests are scheduled a month in advance. I need to start thinking of Plan B and C. I may actually have plans A through H on this one.

I suppose getting out of bed now and taking some Benadryl and starting to pack until I fall asleep wouldn't be such a bad idea. I'm glad I started packing some things before I went to NYC. It wasn't much, but it was the stuff in the kitchen, like glassware, that was kind of a pain.

Other than the whole car rental thing, probably what is keeping me awake is every single task I need to remember to do before leaving. And just the general logistics of the entire move. Fortunately I have 17 days to figure out how to get stuff from my temp housing to my apartment as I won't have a car. And things like dropping my car off and getting to temp housing is just going to have to worry about itself, to be perfectly honest. Which reminds me, I should actually call MARTA to see how to get from here to there and most importantly, to work. Ah...flying by the seat of my pants, as always.

No place like home

2010-08-15T17:15:00.000-04:00

So I lied in my last post. There really is no place like home. And it is good to be here with the cats. Once again they were so happy to see me that they haven't given me a moment's peace since I got home. Fiona is, in fact, licking my fingers as I type and head butting my arm in an effort to get me to pet her, followed by her pleading little meows. Portia is laying, back to me, in front of me on the bed, as though she were a sentinel, waiting to ward off anything that could possibly harm me.

The thing about home, though, is that you have to clean up after yourself and no one makes the bed for you. Also, this place is not going to pack itself. I have precisely one week to pack my entire condo. It really isn't going to be too terribly difficult. Just really, really boring. I have already packed all the boxes that I currently have and a friend of mine is going to give me some more tonight. I will also need some more tape, I think, before this adventure is over.

I am trying to think how everything in my kitchen here is going to fit into my new place's kitchen. It doesn't seem like I have a lot of stuff, but when you start packing it into boxes, it certainly makes it seem like a lot. It is also easy to toss things out so you don't have to move them. Suddenly, sentimentality goes out the window. You really don't need to keep that red wax crayon that was your favourite when you were 7 and is now just a little nub of coloured wax.

After a day of packing and cleaning and laundry, I am glad I have a whole week for this packing stuff. Because every five minutes, a cat wants to sit on my lap or be petted.

There's no place like home...

2010-08-13T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have been away from "home" for so long now that when I do go back, it doesn't really seem like home to me. I have been in this hotel room in Atlanta for a week now and it oddly feels like home. When I was in NYC, wherever I happened to stay, felt relatively like home. And now, I have my home for my first two and a half weeks in Atlanta booked and signed a lease for my next home after that. With all this travelling and moving about, I wonder how it will feel to finally be settled in one place. Such permanency.

I realized the other day that I am going to be living in the state of Georgia. How funny that sounded to me when I was thinking about it. I am going to be a resident of the state of Georgia. That sounds so different than, hey, I am going to move to Atlanta. I also realized that I am basically orchestrating a 500 mile move, 4 states away, in about a week. Seriously. Below is my list of to do items. Some are already done, but I guess this is a public exercise in making sure I am not forgetting anything. But really also a huge thank you to all my friends and family who are making these things possible for me to do "on my own." I really couldn't do it without so many people.

Find an apartment
Find a place til Sept. 7 because apartment won't be ready until then
Book a rental car to drive down to Atlanta
Pack up my belongings
Figure out what clothes and things I am bringing with me right away
Hire movers and schedule moving
Clean condo
Drive down to Atlanta
Return car to airport and take MARTA to temp housing place
START MY NEW AMAZING AWESOME JOB!!!

I really like step #10 the best. Really, I do. Every time I get a little discouraged about the whole process, I just think about starting my dream job on Monday. If you wonder why I held out so long for a job...well, this is why.

This whole transition hasn't been easy. I wasn't sure I would find the right apartment and I found a nice, economical place in a very safe neighbourhood. One-way rental cars seemed to be exorbitantly expensive and not convenient for me to pick up and drop off. Then I found a reasonable one within walking distance to pick up and figured I could drop off at the airport and take the train back into town. The next hurdle was finding temp housing that didn't cost an arm and a leg and was located near enough to public transportation. And then, I discovered a website that does all the legwork for you, getting bids and finally found a cat-friendly place for only $22 a night, has all the amenities I need, and close to downtown and the MARTA.

I have worried and fretted over all of these details, but in the end, I realize I haven't been brought this far just to have no place to stay. Or a way to get in to work. But seriously, I am ready for a breather.

Also, I am just really writing this completely uninspired post because I am putting of my task for the day: tackling the MARTA. So, let me stop writing and get on with it.

House Hunters: Day 3

2010-08-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

I am very grateful for having a job, don't get me wrong. But just getting a job doesn't instantaneously reverse or stop the effects of a lack of employment. The longer the term of unemployment one serves, the longer the the effects last.

Moving to Atlanta is a great new start for me and I am really looking forward to it. I'm excited about my position, my new colleagues and a new city full of new friends, food and fun. But it all comes at a cost. I am leaving behind a condo with a mortgage attached and I am unsure when it will be rented. I sold my car, so now I have to use the barely there transportation system in Atlanta. This in turn makes a difference as to where I live and the length of my commute and affects my quality of life. I have to live near a bus or train stop and a grocery store. My social life will be pretty limited. I can afford less apartment because of the mortgage and so I'll be downsizing and selling some belongings or donating them.

I don't tell you this because it is a complaint. I am telling you because I want you to understand what I am going through. And if you are also a recovering from unemployment, I am sure that you know what I mean. The excitement of working again is sometimes overshadowed by the daunting task of getting your life back on track.

While I was job searching, I always dreamt of all the ways in which I would spend those paychecks: shoes, new clothes, a new car, makeup, dresses, going to nice dinners, a cat tree for the cats, birthday presents for my nieces and more shoes. And that is just on the first shopping trip. But in all honestly, it isn't like that.

Paychecks will pay a mortgage and a rent, medical bills, my credit card balance, a new car (at some future point) and whatever other regular expenses I have. Normal life won't exactly return for some time. In the meantime, I am back to a one bedroom apartment with my kitties.

House hunting has presented a plethora of options. Currently, the top contender is an 850 square foot recently renovated unit in a small, quaint place. It is tucked away inconspicuously, just like I feel like I would like to be. It isn't anything near the type of neighbourhood I have come to love. In fact, quite the opposite. I do feel a little sad, or maybe more than a little sad, that everything is about to change.

In the midst of everything good and positive happening, there are still a lot of negative emotions like sadness, loss and loneliness lurking around every corner. I have come to accept that these are both just part of life and particularly, part of this experience.

It's kind of like those sweet and salty snacks...delightful.

Back By Popular Demand

2010-08-05T19:32:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, a few of you asked that I continue the blog and I cannot disappoint a captive audience! I will be updating and improving the blog to reflect my new status as employed, and you can all continue to follow the adventures, or misadventures, in Atlanta.

Since I am starting the 23rd already, I will be headed down to ATL again on Saturday in order to look for housing, for a week. I haven't really even unpacked from NYC and the cats have not become unattached from my side and I am leaving already again.

I am looking forward to this trip in general as I am feeling much more excited about the entire process as I now have a plan! Also, I get to see a great friend for a day or two who will be helping me. He always makes me feel much calmer about things, and as I have not seen him in a year and half, it will be great to see him.

Tomorrow I go get drug tested and fingerprinted for my new position. I have to go to some random place outside of my walkable area, so I will have to figure out a bus to take. Seriously, I am wishing I had not sold my car, but I did and that is that.

So, step 1: house hunt; step 2: pack, pack, pack; step 3: take the kittens and start the new job; step 4: buy a car; step 5: unpack and enjoy!

And now, I will go prep for step 1: bottle of vino, laundry and packing. Oh, how fun!

150-something posts later...

2010-08-04T22:54:00.000-04:00

...and I can say I am officially employed!! I have been keeping very mum about the whole thing, although I did refer once or twice to the opportunity. While I am immensely happy and excited about this, my dream job, it hasn't all really hit me yet.

On August 23, I will begin working with my colleague and mentor, in a VP/Compliance Analyst position for a mutual fund complex. I will be moving to Atlanta, GA for the opportunity and couldn't be happier to be in the south. Okay, so really it is all about being among a lot of black men.

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me, kept up with me and prayed for me during this long, difficult year. I am definitely a different person than when I started this blog and grateful to have finally found such an amazing opportunity to continue my career.

I went on interviews while I was in NYC for this position. I had also gone on an interview to Boston and they were the most brutal interviews I had ever been through in my life. A pop Portuguese quiz even, from the director of the LATAM (Latin American) offices. Turns out my Portuguese was better. Although, I am fairly certain I failed the logic test, in which I also had to show my work. I may have gotten the right answers, but probably through my own creative logic that made sense to no one else. But having had that experience just helped me to see that, when I got to Atlanta, that job was going to be the right choice. I love how that worked out; I was so worried I would have to choose between two great jobs, but fortunately the path was quite clear.

I am looking forward to starting a new chapter in Atlanta a week after my 30th birthday. I don't know too many people there, just as I did not when I came to the Queen City, so it will again be a challenge, but one that I know I can easily conquer. In fact, that is the least of my worries. I am more concerned with finding housing and moving. And, since I sold my car, I am going to have to buy a new one.

There is much to do between now and then, so for now, I bid adieu. I am not sure I will continue to blog, although I could change the name of the blog and turn it into the Real Single Lady of Atlanta.... who knows. Thanks for reading and thanks for your support...it has meant a lot knowing that perfect strangers read what I have to say.

Home is Where the Heart is

2010-08-02T15:02:00.000-04:00

Life is once again as it should be. Having been reunited with my cats early this morning, around 2am, I feel at home once again while at the same time missing NYC immensely. My sister's wedding in Portland, ME this weekend was beautiful. The setting was Portland Head Light in the background of the sailboat, within inches of the Atlantic Ocean. I only say inches because if I thought, for a moment, that I was in the ocean, I would have had a panic attack. The bride was gorgeous, the groom was handsome and the guests were delightful.

After a day of touring the Maine coast, we headed back to my "home" city. We being my parents and I. A long 16 hour car ride later, we arrived at Casa de Me. It was so strange seeing the cats again and it took them just a little bit to adjust to me, sniff everything and get used to me again, but I could tell they were delighted to have company. In fact, they have not left my side once since I have been home. Fiona is perched next to me, within inches, anywhere I settle and softly purring almost constantly. Portia is lazily lounging nearby as well and both follow me whenever I get up. It feels like home, but then again it doesn't feel like home.

I had coffee with my friend who was cat sitting for me and we had so much to catch up on; but it was so easy and so wonderful to see him once again. It was like no time had passed at all.

After spending six weeks in NYC, I feel particularly rejuvenated. I am so fortunate that I had the means with which to do the trip, make friends and make a success out of the temporary stay. No, I did not get a job in NYC, but I gained my confidence back. It feels good knowing I made the right decision to go there. Now, I feel like I can do anything. I never have to wonder if I could make it in a big city. I never have to look back and regret not taking a chance.

And, while all the personal satisfaction of doing a great thing is rewarding, what I am most happy about is seeing my friends again. It has been a difficult road, this unemployment thing, losing friends, sometimes keeping myself secluded, being sad and depressed, and on and on....the whole range of emotions, ups and a lot of downs. But the support I have had from everyone, whether they have seen me off or are welcoming me back, or both...I am eternally grateful and happy that I know some of the most amazing people.

Between those who I have met and who have helped me in NYC, and those back home who have supported me through thick and thin, I have made a lifetime of friends. EB, KK, GG, ED, AD, SL, SR, SR2, TS, SC....I'm sorry if I missed anyone, and the list could definitely go on.

It is hard knowing that I will soon move on even from this place, to start a new chapter of my life. But I am strong. I am ready. And as for where I will call home? Well, home is where the heart is.

The Secret Life of Cats

2010-07-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

2010-07-19T14:41:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt too hot, lazy and unmotivated to do anything other than lay on the couch and sleep? That is pretty much how I feel today. I think I lost some sleep time this weekend. While I got totally stood up by the Kid...he even called to say he was on his way but never showed up...I still didn't go to bed until 3:30am on Saturday night/Sunday morning and then I was up by about 10am or so. And last night, I guess it was more like around 2am and I was up by 9am.

I do have some work to do today, however, and some calls to make and a few follow-ups to do. But as usual, I think that writing a blog post was more fun and energizing. Also, this is energizing:

This is the stuff that has been keeping me hydrated. I remember from my days in Brasil that during a long day on the beach, in the sun, laying in a hammock and maybe eating shrimp and a casquinha if you can find one, you have probably also been offered several aguas de coco....coconut water, straight from the coconut. If there is a coconut tree right near your hammock, you probably saw someone scramble up it, chop off a coconut and hack off the top and insert a straw. If you're smart, you will drink a lot of these in order to keep yourself hydrated.

Coconut water has more electrolytes than leading sports drinks and more potassium than two bananas. It is also a very natural way to keep yourself hydrated. Sometimes it takes a bit to get used to the flavour, so I generally purchase the kind with pineapple flavour and of course, chilled is much better than warm, in my opinion.

So, stay cool and stay hydrated.

What Happens After Dark in NYC?

2010-07-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

So, since I was updating my Facebook status like every half hour tonight, I thought I should just blog about my hot date tonight...with myself and almost the NYFD.

Mr. Hottie decided to check in via text at 7:30pm by saying, "Hey, how's it going?" And told me not to be mad if he didn't reply right away because he was in Long Island with poor reception. Funny thing is, I am pretty sure that anywhere as populous as Long Island probably has decent if not good coverage. So I asked if he was blowing me off. Oh no, babe and hun... ha ha ha. Sorry, I am 29 years old, babe and honey don't work on me any more. He wasn't blowing me off, he was helping a friend out, but he would be home by 11pm. But he would make it up to me. The funny thing is, I really don't care enough for this to bother me. I kind of can't wait to tell him off. I am getting mean in my old age.

So, I am watching BET...movie night. And there is a Christmas movie on right now. Wow, how lame do I have to be to be watching a Christmas movie on a Saturday night at midnight? Somewhere between shopping for shoes online and Googling "pumpkin gnocchi in NYC" I decided that it was snack time (yes, I feed a lot when I am bored or sad or homesick), so I remembered I had some popcorn and that last time I made it, it could have been in a little longer. The popcorn button had said 3.5, so I figured if I popped it for just over three and half minutes there wouldn't be so many old maids.

The flaw in this logic lies in the popcorn button saying 3.5 but not necessarily meaning 3.5 minutes. When I stopped the microwave about a minute early and opened it, smokey steam was emanating and as soon as I opened the bag, the same just poured out and soon the kitchen was filled with a burnt popcorn smokey haze. I panicked a little and climbed into the sink and onto the backsplash/ledge to open the window. I hope no pigeons fly in as they have been known to do. Then I put the fan on high and I am hoping that eventually, the burnt popcorn smell will fade.

I have uh, encountered a pot smoke haze here once or twice, so I guess my little episode of the evening is payback. Payback, I hear, is a bitch.

Oh, and while searching for pumpkin gnocchi, I did come across a warm hazelnut chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream and pistachio anglaise cream at Spiga. I may have to visit Spiga before I leave if for no other reason than I love Italian food and Via Spiga. Yes, I know there aren't any Via Spiga shoes there, but wouldn't it be great if there were?

Where, oh where did my patience go?

2010-07-17T18:39:00.000-04:00

Readers, forgive me, it has been two days since my last post. It seems like two weeks. Last night I hung out with my NYC bestie. We got some wine and cheese and hung around her place. I elected to spend the night on her very comfy and fashionable sofa/futon thing. I really did not feel like going home.

Today I spent some time shopping at Macy's since they were having a huge one day sale. While doing my laundry this morning I looked at my unmentionables and they all had holes where holes shouldn't be and I thought about the last time I had bought new ones. I could not remember. Hence the trip to Macy's near Herald Square.

Everyone who did not exit the city this weekend was headed downtown. Construction was going on at my usually 110th Street subway stop, so I walked down to 96th Street, then transferred to the Q. It was so crazy full, I kept passing cars and deciding that, as small as I am, I was not going to fit. I finally found a me-sized spot and hopped on. Unfortunately, tall people co-exist with short people and on stuffed subway cars, this can lead to getting elbowed in the head. I said, "Ouch!" because it hurt and all the dude had to say was, Sorry. Not even, Are you ok?

Whatever. This was to set a precedence for the day. I had the most amazing luck exiting the subway to appear directly in front of each of my destinations, without planning it, and the worst luck getting pushed, elbowed, walked on, shoved, backed into and whatever other atrocity busy subway and retail shopping meccas could afford to bestow upon me. I totally got rude and annoyed in response to such invasions of my personal space and well-being. My polite Midwest nice has been disappeared. It took precisely 37 days.

Next week, I will be headed to Atlanta for...wait for it...an interview. I am very excited about this opportunity and in preparation, am watching ATL while typing this particular post. Ha ha ha. It was purely coincidental that it is on BET right now and nothing else worth watching, so I though I'd do some homework.

I also think I am getting stood up or getting the brush off for this evening. I was supposed to hang out with the Bengali last night but we both kind of had other plans and then we agreed to hang out tonight but now I can't get a hold of him to make plans. It's all good though. I feel like having a quiet, low-key night anyways. And my feet hurt because I had to walk back from 96th Street to 109th.

In other news, it seems that Fiona hides from her care taker, except when he brings over a hand held vacuum and turns it on. Apparently she is quite fascinated by it and comes out as soon as he turns it on. I also have 2 people looking at my condo tomorrow and my sister has decided to get married at the end of the month after all, so I will be travelling to Portland, ME for the weekend.

Well...feeding time again, and I am thirsty in this ridiculous heat, so... keep it real, I'll be back soon.

Homesick...Wha ??? Me?!

2010-07-15T15:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am feeling desperately, madly homesick today. Why? I don't know why. I just think it is one of those things that you feel after oh...35 days away from home. I cannot believe it has been 35 days already! It seems like time has just flown right by and that it has been only two weeks or so. I miss my kittens. I miss the sandy beach of....Michigan. Oh, yes, that is how homesick I am. MICHIGAN HOMESICK!

I have been fantasizing all day about digging sand on Lake Michigan with my nieces. Of course, I have also been daydreaming about taking my oldest niece to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. I have really come to love the city, everything that it has to offer, my new friends, but honestly, there is just nothing like being settled, having your own cats curled up with you, knowing where all the good hang out spots are and being able to call on dozens of friends at any given time to come hang out with you.

When I left Michigan three and a half years ago, I only had one friend. Yep, true story. I missed him a lot, but we both moved to other cities to start lives there. Leaving Cincinnati has been much different. I understand how you can get so attached to people, your friends. I see what it is like to look at Facebook and see everyone's lives moving on, in an amazing demonstration of constant progress and movement. I love to see what they are doing, but am not there to do it with them! I see FB posts of what my favourite, local bars are doing...the events, the specials, the hotdog of the day at Senate....it all seems so familiar and so distant.

My NYC Style Weekend

2010-07-12T17:18:00.000-04:00

It started off Friday night, visiting with my new friend. She has a really cute, clean and lovely apartment on the Upper East Side. Not to mention the cutest little pet ferret that I have every had the pleasure of meeting. Did you know that ferrets sleep almost all day long? I met her sister-in-law as well, who was coming in to celebrate her first wedding anniversary (her husband was coming in on Saturday morning). We had pizza at Gino's, down the street, and a few beers. Then it was time for me to meet a handsome young man for a first date.

He is quite handsome, 25 years old and Bangladeshi. Or Bengali...I am not sure what they exactly prefer to be called. After bar hopping around the Upper East Side, a quick trek to see Times Square at night and the South Street Seaport, I finally got home around 5am.

A short recovery day later, I went to dinner Saturday night with my roommates and a group of their friends. The funniest part of the evening that I can remember, is being told by one of the guys that when he first saw me, he thought I was going to be a downer throughout the evening, that I would be boring, but in fact, that was not the case. Ah yes, young man-boy, you have met a self-assured and confident woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to be truthful and straight forward, and not afraid to be who she is. I am sure this must be a refreshing change from the game-playing, uncertain girls of an early 20-something age. I remember I used to be the same way. But it makes me feel that, when I turn 30 next month, I will indeed have earned my third decade badge.

We ate, we drank, we danced. I left. I think I had decided I had had enough and went to meet up with another friend who promptly sat me down, made me drink an espresso and a glass of water, then took me home in a cab. He had the cab wait while he walked me upstairs and made sure I got inside okay. A very, very good friend. I am pretty lucky.

Sunday was spent pretty much in recovery mode. I went to get coconut water with a few of the guys, then we went to breakfast at the diner whose store front serves as the front for the diner in Seinfeld where Jerry and friends frequent. The inside is not the same, but the outside is what is used for that shot. The food comes extremely quickly. I had half of a bagel and a sausage before I decided that was all that my stomach was going to take. We watched the World Cup final and afterwards, I made some calls and went for a walk and ate some dinner.

Today was a productive day again, paying bills and returning a bunch of phone calls. I fielded another random call from a recruiter from a place I had never heard of. Since I have updated my location information online, I have received several calls in the NYC area. It's a good sign, I believe.

I really feel like I am ages and universes away from where I was mere months ago. Today, I removed the ex-man-boy, T, from my Facebook friends. Yep, so significant, right? I have not thought about him in a while and while perusing my friends list, took a look at his page and decided that I no longer needed any connection. He made it clear months ago that I could go eff myself, so....I guess it was just time. No, T, it isn't that nothing will ever be good enough for me, it's just that you won't be good enough for me.

Well, that is all for now in the misadventures of an unemployed person...stay tuned for more news soon!

Family Legends and Shorts

2010-07-09T14:45:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed how in Walker, Texas Ranger that Chuck Norris, a white guy, wears a black hat and his partner, Clarence Gilyard, a black man, wears a white hat. Just an observation. I think Walker's right hand man, Jimmy Trivette, was one of my first black crushes when I was a teenager. Since I grew up without television, I would watch the show when I babysat. I thought the show was the coolest, ever. After all, I wanted to be a police officer when I grew up and I even dreamt of being a Texas Ranger (and have a hot black partner who was every bit a gentleman as Trivette).

Family legend has it that a great-great-great-uncle on my mum's side of the family was a Texas Ranger way back in the day. He came home one day, found his wife in bed with another man, shot him and was never seen from again. Yep, that is my ancestry. Very classy.

The best thing to happen so far this week was receiving a box in the mail today. I am so grateful for my friend who is putting up with Ms. Hissy Face Fiona and took the time to pack some towels and a sheet, a pillow case, running shoes, ibuprofen, my mail and tea and sent it to me. Oh, and a very important binder with secret information...okay, not really secret, just some notes from previous interviews, etc. that I will need soon.

So apparently, Fiona Hissy Face has not been showing herself when my friend comes over. But recently she has taken to sitting on the stairs to the second floor and just meoooowws defensively and swipes at him with her claws. All this from the cat I thought would be the most friendly. Instead, it is Portia who comes out to play and purr. I am a little confused as to what to do about Fiona and why she is acting this way. I know it is because things have been disrupted; I am not there, and she has to deal with a stranger (stranger to her), but I thought of the two kitties, she was the most adaptable. Any suggestions as to what to do, readers?

In other news, I am wearing....shorts!! I cannot believe it; I hate shorts. But, seeing as how I did not pack very well for an extended stay (I have brought several suits and business clothes and have worn only half of them), but I go through my casual clothes pretty quickly, wearing the same thing repeatedly. Not a great idea when it is this hot and I turn into a little ball of sweat and grime. Since I came here, my face has been the worst and I have mini break-outs; at the end of the day, I just feel this layer of greasy, grimy ickiness and I just want to exfoliate every other hour. Today is supposed to be 80% humidity. Anyways, so I bought a cheap pair of shorts for just every day walking around.

Yep, this is my exciting life.

New York State of Mind

2010-07-08T12:02:00.000-04:00

My goal was to post every single day this month, but I failed miserably last night. I had gone out to meet someone for drinks, had 2 Stellas and alas, I was super sleepy by 10pm. Well, actually, raging headache by 9pm and zero energy. I made myself stay up until maybe 11pm or so, since I seem to have this habit of thinking I am tired, but once I get in bed, can lie awake for hours and hours which is really annoying.

For those of you who know me well, you know that one of my top 5 values is connection. Connection meaning having meaningful friendships, relationships, connections with others. Not having this makes me sad and mopey. Which is how I felt last week. Bored and lonely, mostly. So, I put an ad on craigslist for friends. Yes, I will admit to doing this. No, I am not ashamed. I am also resourceful and know how to make things happen.

I figured this: I don't have hoards of money to be going out in this awfully expensive town in order to make friends. And can you really make good friends by randomly meeting strangers while inebriated in a bar? My shortest distance from point A (bored/lonely) to point B (having meaningful girl friendships) was craigslist, so I could state exactly what I was looking for. So, I met a nice girl last night who was the first to respond to my ad.

She is cute and petite like me, very intelligent and around the same age, so I am happy to report that we got along well and will be hanging out again. I keep chuckling to myself that it all seems like the same steps as in dating.

But the reason for the title of today's post is this: while I was going to meet her last night, I was walking up Amsterdam around 80th and of course I am pretty absorbed in my own thoughts, so when someone starts yelling, "Excuse me, ma'am" I don't really pay attention. I feel invisible among all the people here anyway and really...ma'am? Do I look like a ma'am? It totally did not register so I kept walking. Then I hear footsteps behind me and realize this kid is actually calling me. I turn around and there is this 6', overweight obviously gay kid who I imagine was in his early twenties at the most, urgently calling me.

Normally, if someone were to call to me like this in the innocent and nice Midwest, I would assume I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or that I had just dropped something important on the street. It was that kind of urgent, important, "Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am!" But, with a relatively simple ensemble consisting of a dress, shoes and a zipped closed purse, I couldn't imagine that I had accidentally parted with anything, or if I had something stuck to my shoe, I could tolerate that for another block or so. I did not think it smart to turn around and entertain this fellow. Yet he starting walking after me, although not at a close distance.

I will take this opportunity to mention that almost every other time that I go out and about, someone is asking me for directions. Usually a foreign tourist. It happened yesterday when I went to grab some lunch. I wonder if I look helpful or perhaps just non-threatening? It is funny that I look like I belong here.

Considering that when I turned to look at him, I did not get the idea that this bloke was a foreign tourist at all (the effeminate, perfect English was also a big hint), and thinking about my safety, I kept walking, made no motion or expression that I was about to entertain whatever it was he was going to say to me, and kept moving. He literally jogged halfway down the block, as much as his overweight, large frame would allow him to jog. His pleadings became more urgent. His clothes had not indicated he was homeless and for the life of me, could not figure out what he wanted, and still, I kept walking.

He finally gave up and shouted, "Bitch" at me and at the corner, I crossed over, surreptitiously checked back over my shoulder and he was not in sight. I have experienced in other places in the city, young gay men asking me how much I pay for a hair cut and then, they open these binders with collages of magazine pictures of hair-dos and try to ask more questions. I still don't know the point or what they are trying to sell because I don't stop to talk but they are very persistent. This kid didn't have one of these binders so I am at a loss for what he could possibly have wanted. Let me rephrase, at a loss for what honest and true thing he could have possibly wanted.

And that is my NYC story for the day. Today I slept in pretty late, but at least the headache is gone and I feel more well rested. It is time for another round of laundry, considering my shortage of casual clothing, and then perhaps because it is only supposed to be in the 80's today, I will run an errand.

In the realm of job search: things are still brewing. I was turned down for a position for which I recently interviewed, but it was not my dream job so I am fine with that. They were, however, so impressed with me during the interview that they will keep my resume on the top of the pile for other positions. I am a little surprised, because I hadn't thought I was that stellar in the phone interview. But, hey, I am pretty awesome, so I should expect that, right? Right.

PSA

2010-07-06T21:26:00.000-04:00

I had the infinite pleasure today, of being on speaker phone with my kittens!!! I heard little Portia darling meow when she heard my voice and my neighbour who facilitated the conversation said he had not seen her eyes light up so much since he had been watching the cats. And then she was at the door, looking for me. It was amazing to me that she could actually recognize my voice and she was excited about it. Apparently Fiona did not make an appearance and has been the reluctant cat. We are going to try to Skype with the cats sometime this week too. I am so excited to see how my cats respond to seeing me.

That is all. Carry on.

Oh, and it is really hot here.

As you were.

2010-07-05T17:09:00.000-04:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt, La Sorbonne, Paris, 1910

I read this quote this morning after a call with my life coach. It is an excerpt from a speech made by Theodore Roosevelt given at the Sorbonne on April 23, 1910. The content of the call with my life coach was mostly regarding the many decisions I am facing in the near future. The decisions, while not necessarily imminent or certainties, include: New York or Atlanta; what to do if I have no job or condo rented by end of August; what happens if there is no UC benefit extension at the end of August; a potential relationship and how to handle it. That is the stuff my dust and sweat and blood are made of.

"...his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." This resonates with me the most. Or perhaps it is the most uplifting, encouraging and reassuring. The tastes of victory and defeat have graced my palate. Defeat is bitter and acridly flavoured; victory, sweet victory, is the taste that I want lingering on my tongue.

Pictures

2010-07-04T19:08:00.000-04:00

Larry and Mo, the pigeons who make the window ledge of our apartment their home. Once they flew into the apartment.

My view from the couch where I update my blog and search for jobs.

One half of my room.

The other half of my room.

I have decided to stay in for the day. I am using the excuse that, even though it is a holiday, it is so hot out (95 degrees) and anywhere I go in the city, it is liable to be crowded and I just don't feel like being swamped by thousands of hot, sweaty people in a sweltering city. I debated going to fireworks, but just being in huge crowds in a relatively unknown place, by myself, does not appeal to me.

So...I have been watching tele, took a nap and bought some cereal and ice cream. I am not much of an ice cream fan, but I do like Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar ice cream and it was really hot out. I am trying to keep up with my water consumption so I don't get dehydrated.

In job search news, last week and this week will be slow because of the holidays. I was submitted for a position at a National Ratings Service, but it was closed with a 6 month contract, but there will be 2 more positions instead. I've also been submitted at a large firm based in Chicago which has a compliance position in their asset management division here in NYC. They are a good firm to work for and pay well. My original resume submission apparently got lost and had to be resent.

Right now, everything is slow in the business. Vacations and summer will definitely get in the way of hiring. I am hoping that I will receive some kind of news on interviews this week, but realistically, it will probably be next week.

A phone interview that I had this past Tuesday went well and the hiring manager commented that I have a great resume and shouldn't have trouble getting hired. I'm not sure if that indicates he isn't interested in my experience for his role. With all of the regulatory reform about to take place, there should be a greater need for compliance officers. I'm continuing to update all of my online resumes with my NYC address and I also got a call about a possible contract position in Newark, NJ. They want me to come in for an interview and I will have to follow up with them next week to schedule it. And, it is 38a-1 compliance.

I have 2 months of certain unemployment benefits remaining, so I am racing against the clock. I need to rent my condo and find a job. I'd settle for just finding a job right now. I miss working so much. I miss putting on a crisp suit, my tall heels and walking down the street, outwardly confident and self-assured. I miss the excitement I get from reviewing business practices, reading new regulations and amendments, interpreting them, developing forensic testing and writing reports.

It's going to happen soon. Right?

SATC Episode I

2010-07-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

After feeling so lonely and really missing my friends back home (it sounds funny to call it home), a friend here asked me to hang out last night. I, of course, wore a cute dress because I have a crush on him. We had gone to lunch the first Monday I was here and then to dinner too, and he said he felt only a friend vibe, not the fireworks he was expecting. But I am still attracted to him and he knows that. So...in no uncertain terms, he told me that he needed me to maintain my professionalism and no getting wasted. I had no intentions of getting wasted because of not knowing how the evening would go and not wanting to be that girl...the one that gets sloppy drunk and starts flirting but keeps getting rejected. I wanted to play it cool.

A quick glass of wine at his favourite corner bistro, then off to the Meat Packing District to a biergarten. By cab, which was my first cab ride in NYC. The biergarten was really crowded and so we bought our beer tickets and he took my hand (I so felt like a little kid whose dad didn't want her to get lost) and we made our way to his friends. He was on the look out for a girl to talk to, and we talked to some of his friends. He was bull shitting with the birthday boy (who turned 30, was married and had a 19 month old boy) and then turned to me to tell me that was just something he had to do, not something that he liked doing (the bull shitting bit). It was amazing how easily he turned on the BS (and how well, I might add), then turned to me and it would be the real him. Then he expounded on the fact that between us both, we had more brains than all the women combined there. Brains, he said, were the single most important attribute he was looking for in a woman.

I am not even sure what happened or how, but long story short....we somehow managed the fireworks that evening. At one point, a girl walked by and told us what a cute couple we were. Neither of us really said anything; I was still playing it cool. Some guy also walked up to me and said, Wow, you're really short! I think he meant it as a pick up line or something, because he postured in a way that meant he wanted to talk to me. My friend swooped in (rather quickly, I might add), put his arm around me and steered me away.

He has always taken care of me well when we go out, making sure I'm not hungry or thirsty, makes me take vitamins (ha!), and generally just "coddles" me as he says. He makes sure I know which train to get on, walks me there, wants me to tell him when I get home. He gives me advice on being safe in the city and what to watch out for. The first time we went to dinner, I insisted on paying my half (he let me). I even offered last night, but he took care of everything. He is polite, opens doors for me in a not showing off way, but in a natural, I always do this sort of way. Good manners are important to him. It's the first time in a long time that a man has taken care of me so well and I must admit that it is hard to let him do so.

That's not to say the situation is not confusing. We agreed to see each other again and we did discuss a little bit why the sudden change of heart on his part. He knows that I have remained interested in him. The thing is, I played it cool all night. When he was on the look out for smart birds, I showed no distress and humoured him. But perhaps my brain and my charms won him over...

Ah....seems like an episode of Sex and the City.

10 Tips for Living in NYC

2010-07-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

Must be tall and skinny. You can see over the crowds on the street, and will look good in all the latest fashions, such as this one.
Wear a black knit dress, preferably with a belt, cinched casually around your skinny little waist to show that you have no hips or ass. Dress up with great accessories.
Buy cuffed sandals and wear them with your black knit dress. It would be nice if they were gold or silver, or some shiny metallic colour, but black and brown ones will do just fine too.
Rush to get everywhere. Run if you must, to show your sense of urgency. Get exasperated if the train doors don't close quickly enough for you.
Be fashionable at all times and look effortlessly and perfectly styled.
If you are a man, impeccable grooming and having lots of quid to spend on women is a must. Otherwise they won't give you the time of day.
Grocery shop daily instead of weekly or even less often, unless you eat out on a regular basis. Since you have to carry everything to the train or walk from the store to home, and carry the bags at least three flights of stairs, it just makes sense to not have a lot of heavy bags.
Do not be easily distracted. There are lots of people, noises, lights, smells and shiny objects (sometimes in the form of overly sequined clothes), so you must be able to focus on walking so you don't walk into people.
Have your iPod handy and in use at almost all times. On the subway, while shopping or walking down the street, you must have those little earbuds in your ears. It shows a lack of connection to the outside world and this is tre chic.
Survival instincts (powers of observation and the art of imitation). It's a jungle out there, kids.

2010-06-30T12:34:00.000-04:00

The good news: I have moved, everything is so close (no taking 1 hour train rides to find a sit down coffee place), my roommates are great and I like my tiny bedroom. The bad news: Starbucks is within walking distance.

This morning I got up around 9am and one roomie was already gone to work and the other was getting ready for work. My air mattress has to come up off the floor (practically takes up the rest of the floor not occupied by the desk and chair). I sort of wish that I had had the previous girl leave her loft bunk bed, but I figure I can use the air mattress anywhere else that I happen to land, without having to go to to much trouble. My room even has a window AC unit that keeps the room very cool; I even turned it off half way through the night.

I went to the Duane Reade around the corner and discovered it was not the same as the posh DR that is across from my friend's place near Central Park. Ah, ghetto stores...I feelz home! I bought laundry detergent in these handy little packets that you just throw in with your clothes...they look like the kind you throw in your dishwasher. I also bought a bottle of Clorox disinfecting spray...with which I will clean the entire kitchen today...it is getting a scrub down! Also bought rubber gloves (I hate touching other peoples' dirty dishes and who knows what is in there) and some sponges.

Later, I will go to the laundromat and wash my clothes, I think and after the kitchen and fridge get a scrub down, I will perhaps buy some food.

The only thing missing are my cats and my friends!

Moving Day

2010-06-29T14:27:00.000-04:00

I am making a big deal about moving day, but as someone pointed out, aren't I just moving one suitcase? Yes, but you see, it is a 50+ pound suitcase, half my own weight and it is two hours and two trains away. Plus I have accumulated another bag. Then I have to go buy an AeroBed and wait for my sheets and towels to arrive. Exhausting work! I am actually just intimidated by getting on the subway with all that. I may decide to use a taxi or car service, but it won't be cheap.

But you know what I like best about moving day? I can drink a beer in the middle of the day if I want to. I mean, don't all moving days include beer and pizza? Both of which I had for my lunch a few minutes ago. What I dislike is that it is just another situation to adjust to, as I have never before had roommates. And these are 26 year old boy roommates. I shall call them man-boys, because they have graduate degrees and are working currently. So, 26 year old man-boys.

I am leaving behind Sasha Scaredy Cat and my hostess on Coney Island, and I am sure I will be welcomed into the arms of the city, which shall promptly swallow up my savings with such available amenities as dry cleaning, laundromats, bars, restaurants and all other sorts of entertainment and necessities one could ever imagine wanting or needing.

Before I leave, however, I must pack, take a shower and shave my legs and go find an ATM and some cash. Oh, and I do have to give a recruiter a call. My, I am exhausted just thinking about all of that. I think I will take a nap first, since I did not get much sleep last night.... zzzz...zzzzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzzzzzz

Holy Catfish Batman

2010-06-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

Heavens to Mergatroid. Today has required a heroine-like patience, endurance and determination. Fortunately, I am Sunshine Super Girl and this was...is...will be...possible. Let's take a look at my day.

8:57 - Wake up and decide to go to Starbucks for coffee and wi-fi, do some work.

9:05 - Discover that there are only 2 Starbucks on Coney Island. Also check out where the local Bed Bath and Beyond stores are located; Coney Island store will be an hour and half bus trip away. Decide to pick up air mattress for new room at the locations 15 minutes by subway away from new place after I check in to the new room Tuesday night. Consider going mattress-less for a night since I don't have sheets anyways, but decide a 15 minute trip is not that bad.

9:34 - Talk to hostess to let her know that I will be out of her place Tuesday evening and let her know my schedule for the day. Opt not to take a shower because walking to bus and from bus to Starbucks is going to be sweaty anyways. Bus ride includes sitting behind a girl who constantly did, undid, redid her hair, over and over and over until I had to shut my eyes because it was giving me a headache. Cursed myself for not eating before I left.

9:58 - Discover that Starbucks is a drive-thru only. Curse. Curse again. Curse more, very loudly. Decide to take the N train to an undetermined stop and find a coffee shop. Start thinking about cost of shipping items from home to NYC versus cost of buying a towel and some sheets.

10:34 - Depart on N train and decide on Canal Street after waiting 15 minutes for it to leave the station. Feeling sticky, sweaty and putrid not to mention exhausted.

11:37 - Get off subway, look for Starbucks on the highly distracting Canal Street. Figure out the beta walking directions on Google Maps for iPhone are always wrong. Roll eyes and try to suck it up. Heroine-like patience instituted immediately. Walk back the way I came from.

11:48 - Discover that I walked by Starbucks less than 100 yards away from subway exit. Curse. Patience nearly completely evaporated. Must re-fuel with caffeinated, iced beverage before all sanity is lost.

12:02 - Imbibe caffeine filled, sugary coffee on ice. Feel very sweaty and decide a shower this evening is a must. Smell myself and groan.

12:06 - Discover one must pay for wi-fi in Starbucks, wonder how I did not know this before. Use iPhone to look for nearest library which is .6 miles away in Chinatown. Decide to talk to oldest sister and niece for a while. Suddenly want to burst into tears because I miss my cats so much. Yes, Cat Lady, I am.

12:45 - Leave Sbux and walk through the very crowded streets of Chinatown and find library. Faint smell of fish everywhere makes me want to gag. Still have not eaten today.

12:57 - Arrive at library and find it overrun with children. Very loud children. Inquire about restroom and told it is out of order (bladder gets extreme workout here). "Quiet" work area is crowded, and I only find it after going upstairs, run into roped off area, go downstairs, find elevator only for disabled people, finally find stairs to crowded basement area. I am the only non-Asian. I can't find a seat near an outlet.

1:08 - Finally get logged onto blog, extremely slow internet. Look around and see an Asian man watching half naked white women twist themselves into all sorts of contortions via YouTube. Think I have landed in the Twilight Zone. Wish my friend EB and I could have a drink this evening and laugh about the craziness.

1:12 - Consider going straight back to Coney Island, still haven't accomplished anything for the day, but decided writing a blog post is way better. Feeling shaky after only having caeffeine for the day so far.

1:28 - Get a call from Atlanta stating the potential contract position turned into a full time position, but I am still wanted. Brain, emotions go into overload. A job. A real, live, full time, benefits included, relo included job with someone I have always loved working with, not in NYC, job.

1:38 - Happy on one level, must reposition thinking, need to use a restroom, am hungry, must make major decisions, miss cats.

1:43 - Decide to leave crazy library to find working restroom and just think.

List of Lists

2010-06-27T13:04:00.000-04:00

Gross Things People Do on the Subway

Pick their nose
Trim their nails
Chew with their mouth open
Clean out their ears

Things I Wish I Had With Me

Portia and Fiona
My coffee maker
Sheets and towels
Work out clothes
Nail polish remover and nail clippers
Portia and Fiona

What I Bought on My First Grocery Store Trip

Bread
Peanut Butter
Garden Vegetable Pasta
Sundried Tomato Alfredo Sauce
Chicken Nuggets

Total cost: $13.98

What I Have Treated Myself to So Far

Starbucks (twice, but is it a splurge or a necessity?)
Pretzel
Butter Pecan Ice Cream
Peroni (just 1, I was watching the US v. Ghana game)

Total cost (approx.): $20

Conclusion: Clearly I need to stop treating myself.

What I Will Be Doing This Week

Praying that my condo gets rented
Moving into my new room
Phone Interview (because the hiring manager is located in Boston)
Buying/finding an air mattress for my new room.
Probably buying/finding sheets and towels too.
Doing laundry
Trying to figure out how to hang dry said laundry
Missing Portia and Fiona
Job Search Stuff
Go to the Met

I'm not sure if I miss my former city yet, but I definitely miss having all the amenities of my own place and of course, my babies, Portia and Fiona. I miss them terribly, and while I try not to think about it, I do notice that at the end of a long day, I am looking around for little P-cat to look up at me with her big yellow eyes and want to sit on my lap. Just the familiarity and comfortability of my two closest companions would be so, so nice.

I found a room to rent, but I had to commit to 2 months. I figure I will be here about that long anyways. I will spend my 30th birthday here. I will have to leave my kittens and be away from them for that long. I will have to hope against hope that my condo will be rented, then I will have to deal with how to get it all packed up and stored. And, at the end of August, unless the Senate and Congress pass an extension, I will be done with my benefits and probably will have to come home. I can't fathom being without my cats for that long. And, if nothing works out here in NYC, I still do have the possibility of the Atlanta contract possibly working out soon as well. Something just has to give soon, and I believe it will.

2010-06-25T23:21:00.000-04:00

On today's menu, leftover vegetable pasta with sundried tomato alfredo sauce, chicken nuggets and popcorn. I would love, love, love some ice cream to top off the 5 food groups, but you know...by the time I walked back from the store with it, it would have melted. Tomorrow, I have promised myself ice cream or maybe a gelato pop. Since I will be on the Upper West Side somewhere anyways, might as well try a gelato pop.

So, this whole housing thing... an adventure in craigslist tomfoolery. Today I responded to an ad with a nice living room available; it was near Union Square and large enough to have a queen size bed in one corner. It looked cute, but I needed to know more about the occupant; something didn't quite vibe with me. Turns out he is a 62 year old man who...wait, here you go:

I'm honestly looking for a committment of at least 2 months, because this process of finding someone is rather tedious...On the other hand if you are willing to pay me $1500.00 for the month of July I can overlook the 2 month issue...I'm 62..have been doing this to help pay my rent for the last 14 months...Times are tough...My last 4 roomies have all been females between the ages of 22 & 35...I have a small dog that lives with me in the apt...Its a great location...

Umm...yeah, no thanks. Pass. I went to look at an apartment yesterday in Park Slope (did I mention this already?). 4 guys lived there and the stench emanating from the place, particularly in the basement where the room was located, was unbearable. It was beat up, some of the cupboards were falling off hinges and in general, it was a hot mess...if I may introduce southern terminology to New York City. Pass.

Let's see...oh yes, the "we'll mail you the keys" scam which my kind hostess warned me about. Super cheap place in (insert desirable area here) because the family had to leave urgently for (insert random country here), and they are looking for someone who would care for the place as their own, so that is why it is reduced rent.

Tomorrow I go to see a place where two 26 year old guys dwell and have just lost their roomie, Amy, to a job in Jersey. The room won't be furnished, but Amy wants to sell her bed, desk and desk chair. Well, I am sorry, but I do not want to buy Amy's bed, desk or desk chair. Still, it could be a place to crash for a month, even if I don't have a bed.

I am also expecting to hear from a girl on Monday to check out her room in an apartment she shares with 2 other girls. This is my best option (I think) but she is away this weekend and invited me to come see the place on Monday.

It seems like a lot of work, constantly checking craigslist, juggling the addresses, viewings, determining what is a scam and what isn't, and posting my own ads, looking for a place. I even posted something on CouchSurfing, to see if anyone might have any solutions for me.

Do I worry? Yes and no. Worry is just a little gremlin that goes by the name Limiting Belief that just needs to be squished. Then he hangs his head in defeat and sulks away. I am sure something will come up and I won't be completely homeless, right?

As for the weekend and what I'll be doing: it will probably involve good food and perhaps a glass of vino. I'm certain I will be flying solo, but that's alright. I guess I am going to have to learn how to do that in this big city where I am starting to understand why it's so hard to get to know people.

And now...I am so sleepy, I think I shall find something else to do. Like sleep.

Cat Whisperer

2010-06-24T22:30:00.000-04:00

Today I went into the city for a 15 minute meeting. Yes, a 2 hour trip, arrived 3 hours early, and for only a 15 minute face to face meeting with a recruiter. His office was across from Macy's, so of course I had plenty to do to kill an extra three hours. $8, a coffee, water and snack later...I was able to merely cross the street and change my shoes and go to my meeting.

While I was in Macy's, I found enough things to covet to spend my first year of paychecks. I see how easy it is to become materialistic here, and want, and or need, to have the latest fashions. In the midwest, I could only dream of such timely fashions, so many choices and so many things in my size!! Except shoes.

I am also apparently the cat whisperer. My friend who I am staying with has a shy little kitty named Sasha. Sasha only comes out at night when things are perfectly still and quiet and then she runs around. I saw her once when she was in the closet, hiding in her little cat tree and she purred and purred when I petted her. Yesterday she was hiding behind the couch and I petted her some more and she purred so happily. Tonight she was hiding behind the bookcase and a little while after my friend left to do laundry, little miss kitty came out to play! She wanted me to pet her and of course, I did. She even got a little meowy when I walked away to wash a dish, then she went and hid again.

But now...she is laying on the couch with me, belly up (this shows trust when cats do this) and she is just squeaking at me and pawing at the air, just rolling around as happy as can be. It's so cute! I'm glad she finally feels comfortable in her new home to be out and about. I'm not sure what it is about me, but I can usually make animals feel comfortable around me. It's just a thing. Cat Lady thing, probably.

2010-06-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

My 4pm meeting for today was rescheduled for tomorrow, so now I feel like I can take the time to write some musings about New York City.

I was not so amused last night when I pulled off my heels. They were a comfortable, well worn in, old heels which were lovingly reheeled and polished just for the occasion of interviews and such. But my toes were (and even after overnight rest, still are) little fat sausages (mini ones). I didn't take my flats yesterday so since I invariably turn in the wrong direction when I get off the subway and end up walking away from my destination and have to double back (once it took me at least 7 or 8 blocks (blocks are no joke here, they can be quite long) and I stood and walked around for hours at a conference exhibit hall, by the time I got on the subway, someone was going to have to fight me for a seat if it came down to it. Fortunately, it did not. Note to self: wear flats until you arrive at final destination.

There are tons of people in the city. Of course. But did you know there are more short people than I have ever seen anywhere else? And more people with curly hair too? I find myself ogling short people and people with curly hair. I have yet to notice a short, curly haired person though. People like ME! It's so fun. Normally, back in the Midwest, short people kind of flock together if there happen to be 2 or more at any gathering. Here, we don't even acknowledge each other. There is just no brother/sisterhood of the shortness. And the curly haired people, I am just fascinated with how they do (or don't do) their hair. Frizziness, perfect waves, tight little curls, long hairstyles...it just makes me feel more acceptable for having curly hair. I was even so bold this morning as to decide against straightening my hair for the meeting that was rescheduled. Well, the fact that it is supposed to be hot and humid (outrageously) today, I figured the curls would stand up better in those conditions.

I observe, observe and learn from my observes. I watch what people wear, eat, how they walk, stand on the train, swipe their cards, facial expressions (mostly a lack thereof), shoes, talk on the phone....everything. This is the best way to figure out how to blend in. I still am, however, the girl that makes a comment to the other person in line, compliments her fellow bus passenger on her dress and cheerfully says "Thank you" to the (quite surprised) bus driver. I insert a little bit of me where I can. You just never know who you're going to be chatting with.

A day into my foray into The City, I made my first celebrity siting: David Blane on his motorcycle. Of course, my friend had to point him out to me and honestly, I am just not impressed or wowed by most celebrities, but particularly unimpressed by him.

What else.... I feel hot and sticky by the time I get home every day. The train that leaves from Coney Island is pretty nice and new and has a nice electronic thing that shows you what stop is next, etc. Very easy to read and follow. The rest of the trains don't really have this though. I see kids who I think cannot be old enough to walk around the city by themselves doing just that.

Since my meeting today was rescheduled, I think I will work on finding a place to sublet for the next month...yes, I am staying for another month.

Day 2 in NYC: Trains, trains and more trains!

2010-06-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

Today it literally took me 2 hours to get into the city, where I wanted to be. First, a bus ride to the train station. Then the Q train which was first held up because of a police investigation at a further up stop, was detoured to the R train route because of a sick passenger, which then became an express, so I had to get off at Canal Street (think fake purses). I transferred to the N, up one stop then to the L, up one stop, then walked a few blocks and finally....I am at the NY Public Library. And, just as I had unpacked everything, to start working, I realise I have to use the facilities (will have to wait) and the recruiter who promised to call me, called (will call back when I am able). I am in a quiet area of the library so I cannot use my phone and I do not really want to pack everything up again to go use the restroom. Note to self: after 2 hours on the train, use the first restroom possible.

Yesterday, my first full day in the city was indeed a full day. After a phone call, I headed out into the great unknown, not really knowing which train I should take. I had a destination in hand: The Fulton Street Station, to meet someone for lunch. I got on the bus to go to the train station and I had correct change...but in bills, so the bus driver let me on for free. He was a nice bloke. I figured out which trains I needed to take and arrived perfectly safely and even early. It was really not as hard as I had imagined.

After lunch, I chilled at a friend's tiny apartment in The Village, made some calls and took a nap. The City makes me incredibly tired. And I had sleep to catch up on. Once he made it home, we chilled some more and then went to dinner...a very delightful little bistro on the corner. After a nice long, unrushed dinner in lovely company, he walked me to the train station and made sure I knew where I was going and all that.

I finally made it to bed around 11:30pm, just to wake up at 7:45 this morning and do it all over again. I made some new contacts and have another possible lead on renting my condo. It will all work out soon, I am assured by everyone. In the meantime, I am glad I can enjoy and adjust to the city a little bit, before having to work. So far, I am enjoying my time, even though I am quite tired and haven't had coffee in 2 days.

I'm thinking I will have to add coffee to the agenda tomorrow.

T Minus 5 Hours

2010-06-20T11:48:00.000-04:00

I said goodbye to the kittens this morning and as little Portia cat let me hug her and hold her, she purred happily. I woke up at 6:30am and got ready, made the bed, did a last load of laundry, put a few things away, zipped up the suitcase and packed my carryon. I sat in the living room, watching the kittens play. Portia looked at me with her big yellow eyes, knowing that something was about to change. She sat on my lap and purred. I am glad I got a last few minutes in with her. But I had to say my goodbye to her quickly before I started tearing up.

As my friends dropped me off, and one said, "When you come back to get your cats and pack up your condo...." it seemed slightly more real. But even as I approached the counter and weighed in my bag (at a whopping 52.7 lbs), I realized....my whole life, for an undetermined amount of time, is all in this bag. Everything I think I will want or need at a minimum, is in this bag. My life, reduced to 52.7 pounds.

I am staring out over the airplanes that are coming in now. Still, it feels surreal. Did I really just say goodbye to this city and walk into the airport? How long will I be gone and where will I be in a month? The last time I felt this way was when I headed to Miami, to take a flight to Fortaleza, Brasil. Even more naive and wide-eyed and a mere 20 years old, I made my way thousands and thousands of miles to a foreign country where they spoke a language I did not know.

I packed completely wrong for Brasil and ended up buying a lot of new clothes (cheaply) and wearing the same things over and over. I didn't need the button down shirts, nylons and formal skirts that I had brought. Instead I bought sandals, flip flops, a Brasilian bikini, short skirts, spaghetti strap tops and a purse or two, to fit in. I think back on how much I learned there, just by observation and I laugh at myself for packing what I packed. I must have looked like the epitome of Puritan naivete and innocence....and probably, slightly awkward to all of my Brasil mates.

I think it's the reason I have obsessed over the details of the wardrobe I am bringing. I know and understand the importance of fitting in, or looking like you belong somewhere. On the other hand, it is important to remain true to myself. Often it is told how a friend sold out when s/he went to a big city, how much they changed and not necessarily for the better. I often wonder how I will change because of this little adventure. Brasil changed me immensely. How much more can I change?

T Minus 1 Day

2010-06-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

T minus 2 days was yesterday and I was too busy to post much. I was just packing and then had a little get together at my favourite local watering hole. It was great to see everyone who came out...some unexpected, so old friends and many new ones too. All in all, the kind of send off with my favourite people that I would have liked to have.

I keep wondering if I am ready or if I am doing the right thing. I don't sleep well and wake up unrested more than anything else. I am doing my last minute packing and I am pretty sure I have enough clothes. I have to fit in my makeup kit plus another kit with the things I will need to use tomorrow morning and my makeshift garment bag. Pick up from the airport has been confirmed, but I will need to probably get myself on the subway with what I am told, will be tons of people coming back to the city. I will probably get up at 6am just to make sure everything is in order, and to spend a little bit more time with the cats before I leave. I will also need to look to see which subway line I need to take into Brooklyn, where I will be staying.

This evening I am going to a BBQ at a friend's place and I think that will be the perfect last evening here. I am bringing my A&W root beer to drink instead of imbibing alcoholic beverages, just so I can make sure I wake up on time in the morning and have all of my wits about me.

Reality is starting to set in a little bit, but I think it will be most real when my friend picks me up at the airport. I think I will feel nervous and scared. But I am sticking to my guns and as confident as I am about getting the job I want, I know it is going to happen.

Well, I have just another hour to finish cleaning before I get ready for the BBQ....it feels like the beginning of the end for me here. What a brave new world I am about to discover...

T Minus 3 Days

2010-06-17T18:38:00.000-04:00

Only 3 more days and I will be in Nueva York! Today I put together my suits/business outfits. I had to make sure everything still fit. I did buy one new skirt and shirt just to add to the mix of things I can switch around. They were all on clearance at Macy's and I guess I might be able to make these tax deductible? I will consult a tax person this year, probably. Anyways, the cats have decided that they want to lay down on the garment bag, as though the plastic texture is somehow appealing. I also went on a trip to the store yesterday to get a whole host of things to put in my big bag (that I have yet to find). Since I will be a whole hour and half away from where I am staying when I am in the city, here is what I will be packing into this bag:

Shoes. I will wear flats until I get to my destination. 10 months of no heels then nonstop heels will kill my back if I am too ambitious about wearing them all the time, especially with as much walking as I expect to do.
Travel size deodorant. It is warm and presumably muggy. I sweat easily when walking in full suit, so I will need to reapply, I am sure.
Wet wipes. To wipe off the sweat and freshen up.
Band-aids. Really, I just tend to need these often.
Gum. For fresh breath.
Pantyhose. Just in case I have to wear it, but they seriously make everything so sweaty, so why apply hose before absolutely necessary?
iPhone. Obviously. I have downloaded an NYC Subway app.
2 Fiber One Oats and PB bars. Because you just never know when you will get hungry enough to practically swoon, especially if you are for some reason unable to grab a bite. Also, it might cut down on the number of real full meals I have to buy in the city.
Small notebook. For taking notes.
Pen. Also for taking notes.
Phone power cord. In case I run out of juice.
Wallet. Duh.
Bottle of water. Maybe just a little one. We will see.
KUA Member Card (Kick Unemployment's Ass)

I am open to other suggestions too.

So far I have meetings with 2 recruiters lined up and just got a call today that I will be scheduling a 30 minute exploratory interview. I am also going to attend a conference. And Friday, I am going to be headed to the Jersey City offices of a colleague, for a visit. The rest of the time, I guess I will be making calls and such. I am pretty sure I will be in the city at least Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I am debating if I should go into the city every day, or work from home and head in only if I have to, so I can save subway money and work from a quiet place? But if I am not in the city, I won't have the chance to bump into people or meet people that might be able to connect me.

I am also researching sublets, just in case I decide so sublet for a month. I wonder if I could sublet on a week by week basis? Hmm, probably not. We'll see. I might be moving around a lot. Good thing I will just have a suitcase.

Well my dear readers, if anyone has any suggestions, advice or tips, please feel free to write in and let me know your thoughts on what I should or should not do in the name of networking and job searching.

That is all. As you were.

T Minus 4 Days

2010-06-16T15:53:00.000-04:00

So, only four more day until I am in NYC! I have much to do but have already accomplished much. Much is going on...minor family crisis with my younger sister who has cancelled her wedding. While I think it is a good thing long term, she is at a low point and so young to have to deal with what she has been dealing with.

I have a variety of outfits ready to rock and just need to pick up my shoes from the cobbler, now made more difficult by not having a car. So I went and bought 8 bus tokens to facilitate this. I figure if I can figure this out, it will give me a bit of confidence in NYC. I am constantly thinking about my plan of attack there next week. Every day I believe I will head into the city as early as possible and probably find a Starbucks or some other public place from which I can conduct searches, respond to emails and just generally be available to hop a train to a last minute meeting or interview.

Today started out slow; I felt really out of sorts as I have not been able to sleep much. My knees and lower legs ache at night and makes me completely restless. I don't know if this is a result of walking a lot more or stress, or RLS or...well, no, it is definitely not growing pains. Feels like that though. I went to get coffee and my bus tokens then walked home. Awaiting me was a ridiculous letter from my parents who refuse to take care of my cats because they think I duped them and am actually going to NYC to visit a boy. Well, I am not. I delineated in five points my strong case against their absurd accusations. I know respect towards parents is a good thing, but seriously, I cannot even respect their assumptions and reaction. That their happened to be a boy in NYC, sure...convenient, whatever...but I decided against messing around with visiting him because need my laser focus on my job search and I don't want to hassle with someone else. It IS all about ME.

I actually really like the email I sent them in response. I felt strongly that I remained true to myself and whether or not they can support or condone my job search and/or my life partner search...and how I conduct either...is really not a concern of mine any more. I know what I am doing is right for me. What else can I do?

I am a strong, confident and independent woman who, when faced with a difficult and life-altering situation, has the gumption, resources and determination to not let it get the best of her. I am a fighter and nothing is going to keep me down. I can honestly say I am proud of what I am doing. I have no shame in how I have conducted myself because I have integrity. I am intelligent and insatiably curious and relish exploration of my options in life. If that means my parental units cannot accept that I am willing to leave what they consider safe, I cannot help that. I am authentic, real and genuine. I take risks. And by taking risks, I know I am going to end up with the best that I can get out of life...in a job, in a man, in friends, in anything.

I dare the world, or anyone, to bring it on. I just dare you. Be warned that there is no match for my resolve.

Catharsis

2010-06-14T20:37:00.000-04:00

Catharsis is the purging of emotions or relieving emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art.

My personal certain kind of art of choice is writing a blog post with a glass of wine in hand. And I am good at it.

Today I sold my car. I posted it on craigslist and within minutes received a host of emails expressing interest. I had one gentleman look at it and decide against it, another kind of jerk me around as far as what time he could come look at it (finally settling on a 2 hour window) and another who said he was pretty certain he would pick it up for his nephew. I ended up selling to the guy with the nephew. For cash. I think they got a pretty good deal. I got what I wanted, in cash no less, and now I am sans vehicle. I did not think that it would sell that quickly.

Now I am laughing at my list of errands and things to buy before I go to NYC list. I will probably borrow a friend's bike and ride to my local Kroger Fresh Market store and get the things I need instead of going to Walmart which is cheaper and further out. I need to find a tailor downtown and a ride to the airport. This is just a huge change and it will take time to adjust, even emotionally.

I have sold my car, my TV, a bunch of kitchen items and attempting to sell additional furniture and things and am working on renting out my condo. It doesn't feel like loss exactly. It totally feels like change. A lifestyle change. A shift in my personal paradigm. I just like using the word paradigm. It is like tossing out the old to make room for the new, I keep telling myself.

There is no growth without change. There is no change without loss and there is no loss without pain. We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar. Every change involves a loss of some kind:You must let go of old ways in order to experience the new.

A friend of mine had the above on his FB page recently. I am growing, so there is change and loss and that does cause a little bit of pain. What he wrote above is so true. I took it to heart and in a way, it was comforting to know that even though there is pain, I am open to allowing myself feel that pain in order to experience something new.

Something new is New York City and its massive public transportation system, seemingly endless supply of take out options, huge sky scrapers, expensive everythings and the endless hope it has always offered to all who seek its refuge.

Is it a sign of things to come that I sold my car when I am seeking a job in a city in which I wouldn't need a car? That today, I received a call from a recruiter from a large corporation seeking a compliance candidate with asset management experience located in NYC? That I am making connections and scheduling meetings there? That I have met two blokes who will be resources for me as I travel there? One who is so incredibly kind and thoughtful and caring that I cannot help but to wonder which angel he is.

I am looking out over my parking lot. There is no silver little VW Beetle there. Goodbye little bugger, I'll miss you.

Mellow

2010-06-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

Several of my friends have told me that I have become much more mellow recently. And, I have to say, I feel a lot more mellow than I used to. Last night I had the privilege of attending a home warming party for dear friends of mine. I had just gotten a super cute dress (super cheap because the attached belt needed to be sewn in a little spot) and I thought, I always wear jeans and a tee these days; I don't often get a chance to dress up, so I wore the cute dress, straightened my hair and yes, put on mah makeups! I even rocked wedge heels that gave me another 3 inches (which I desperately need at parties when I have to stand next to tall people).

I totally rocked that dress! It was a great feeling to walk into the room and be rec-ug-NIZED! Yeah...that just hasn't happened to me in a long time. While it felt pretty good inside, I noticed that outwardly, it made me feel a little awkward to be (ever so slightly and fleetingly) fawned over. Normally I love to be paid attention to, I sparkle and shine at such compliments and behave quite charmingly. I was slightly shrinking. And I can't afford to shrink too much. I will disappear.

So I introduced myself to some new people, but kind of non-dazzlingly. Not my usual brilliance. I felt like I had been drugged and was viewing things from another body. No flashy smiles, no high energy, no whip cracking of the jokes, no... well, no party self! But, I had a great time. I was definitely low key.

I remember my first big party at my condo, my 28th birthday party and housewarming party. Wow. I had all the blokes completely enthralled with me. Completely. Enthralled. I was working the room, dazzling and shining and owned the night. My friends even commented on it. It was just a perfect night, perfect alignment of the stars, the moon, the tides....yeah, hostess with the mostest.

I miss that. I miss the energy I used to create when I walked into a room. I miss my energy. I don't like feeling like I am just viewing my life from outside of my body. While mellow might be a good thing (I was a very intense person), and while peacefulness might be a worthy sentiment to engender, I liked the me that placed a hand on her hip, stood tall her in heels and dress, and tossed a glanced that said, "anyone else up for a side of trouble tonight?"

Well, I have an opportunity to shine like that again. I'm going to a conference while I am in NYC and I will have the opportunity to talk with the biggest broker dealer tech firms in the country. I am just going to go, talk, ask questions, gather business cards, do some follow up...you name it, this girl is going to step up and do it all for the sake of networking and finding a job. That sparkly personality has got to be unleashed on these unsuspecting potential employers. I am going to close my eyes, envision me, being gutsy, confident, dazzling and charming and knock it out of the park. Strangers. Lots and lots of strangers are going to soon know the little ball of fire that is me. And they are going to want to hire me, post haste.

Good bye, mellow.

I'm not gonna lie...

2010-06-10T23:02:00.000-04:00

...my bedroom looks like it is the only part of the house I have inhabited in the last week, except the occasional visit to the kitchen. I have had a weird sleep cycle lately where I don't fall asleep until at least 2am, and then sleep til about 10 or 10:30, then nap in the afternoons or late evenings. I also have this lovely ceiling fan, that I think is the best improvement ever made to my condo. Since it is so hot out and I don't want to turn on the AC until I am miserable, the ceiling fan is awesome.

I grew up without AC and think my parents finally installed it either when I was in college or perhaps after I left the house, I am not quite sure. Also, when I studied abroad in Brasil, I was a mere 4 degrees from the equator, and while it was rainy season, it was still very warm and very humid. There was no AC in my host family's house either. So, it takes a little bit to get me way over heated, grouchy and irritable. And I am not gonna lie... it gives me the excuse to wear the barest minimum which is usually just a sundress or shorts and a tank. I learned in Brasil, when it is hot out, less is better.

Today I made some great progress on establishing my soon to be presence in NYC. I connected with a Compliance recruiter there and we agreed to meet up once I was in town. I also have a colleague in Jersey City who I can drop in on, and a recently made friend of mine offered to introduce me to a friend of his, who is a Risk Analyst in the city. And a high school friend of mine who is totally awesome and amazing, is seeing if she can have someone in NYC host me while I am there. What great friends I have!

I will also soon have a new business card, designed by a very prestigious designer friend of mine. I am really excited about this and I should have done it before. But soon, I will be all set to go take a bite out of the Big Apple! Tomorrow I am going to get two pairs of pants hemmed, and I have already brought my shoes in to be cleaned, polished and re-heeled. I can't tell you how many times I have had those two pairs of shoes re-heeled. They have definitely served me well and I may need to retire them soon if I can find suitable replacements. Perhaps while I am in NYC....hmm....

I am just really excited that I am taking a big, brave step. Even if it doesn't work out, or I end up elsewhere (say, Atlanta!), I will know that I took a great giant step forward, for myself. Also, it just never hurts to have contacts and connections in NYC. I keep looking back at the trail of events over the past few weeks and months and see it all leading up to this point. There is a reason I have met some people I have met recently. It seems as though the last few months (last 10 in fact) have just prepared me for this trip, and for this point in my life. I wouldn't be tough enough to do this if it weren't for going through some terribly rough stuff and getting constant affirmations from those who support me.

The week might have started out a little sideways, but it has righted itself. And, I'm not gonna lie...the best part is that tomorrow, I get to go get my hair cut! It's like a pseudo trip to the spa, just having someone play with my hair....love it! But for now, all is as it should be: me, in my minimal clothing, laying under a ceiling fan, working and writing, big fluffy P-cat laying by my side and little Fifi staring at something in the corner....ah....life! The good life!

Bermuda Triangle

2010-06-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

You may wonder what the Bermuda Triangle has to do with...well, anything that could be contained herein. I assure you, there is relevance. Currently, the Bermuda Triangle has temporarily relocated itself from the Straits of Florida and Bahamas area, to my front door. It covers my residence. It follows me like an eerie, foreshadowing cloud. I'm pretty lost and disappeared.

My sanity and positive attitude seem to be in this weird, unexplained phenomenon. I'm pretty sure it's temporary, however, and soon my ship will come in.

I know have a small computer, courtesy of EB, one of my good friends. Also of note is someone I randomly met, who made me so mad the first few times we talked that I said some pretty awful things to him. We both apologized and now I talk to him every day. He's been such a surprising source of friendship and support. My other friends, my neighbours across the parking lot, continue to be bastions of hope and positivity, propelling me forward as people in the same situation only know how to do. I'm so thankful for these people in my life and feel badly that this week, despite everyone's support, I'm a grinch.

My current vision is to leave for NYC in the next 1-2 weeks to try to break into the burgeoning job market there. I am using every resource I have, from calling in favours, to getting in touch with people I barely know, to asking people for huge favours so that I can someday return it, to find a low or no cost housing solution in or near NYC.

I have only been to NYC once and I am, admittedly as a little Midwesterner, quite nervous and feel slightly intimidated at the idea of figuring out buses and the subway. I know I can do it. I am just nervous and being in a huge city, trying to find my way while managing not to be taken advantage of, mugged, or any other thing, is certainly an overwhelming prospect.

If I look back and think to myself that I have confidently gone into Brazilian prisons and interviewed some pretty tough people, asking pretty tough questions in Portuguese that I had just learned, in a cute skirt and top (no flak jacket or such), heck...what's a little NYC grit and transportation? I have adjusted to more starkly and vastly different languages and cultures heretofore, so why am I now so nervous?

I think it is because I am older and wiser and not so naive. Perhaps it is because I have now experienced how people believe they can so easily and outright take advantage of me and attempt to do so (it has worked on more occasions than I care to admit). Or is it that, at the end of the day, when I am crying tears of frustration, Fiona won't be there to comfort me and Portia won't be there to lay her warm, fat, furry body on my chest and purr the loneliness away.

In any case, this is a big step and a big risk for me. I might fail miserably. But either way, I won't be regretting not doing what my intuition tells me to do (thanks for that, KK). There is, unfortunately, not a Bermuda Triangle for feelings of regret.

Stuff and News

2010-06-07T11:45:00.000-04:00

Ah, so it's time for an update. I've been sans computer at home since my laptop (coffee spill induced by cat) is deep sixed and the old desktop went (as promised) to a friend. A new computer is in the works. In the meantime, I do all m computer hacking in 90 minutes and the downtown public library. That, and the encounters and interesting people watching there, could be its own post entirely.

Good news, I'm packing and packing and packing. And more purging. I discovered a high-end consignment shop for some of my clothes. They are picky about what they take and it's funny when you have a pile of rejects to take home, but I guess Goodwill will appreciate them. It's also funny what you're willing to part with and get rid of once you're faced with downsizing. And we're talking a massive downsizing. I'm either going to NYC or if this contract position works out, to the ATL, and so I doubt in either situation I'll be able to take much, if anything, initially. Not discussing the contract thing until it's in place, however, as there's just really no reason to jinx any of it.

In other news, well, I guess there's really no other news. No boys to speak of. Which is fine and great by me. I am too busy these days (I tell myself, although sometimes, sans computer and TV, I just lounge around). I did pick up some new (used) clothes at the consignment shop, some that will fit when I go to Maine for my sister's wedding at the end of July. It is nice to have new (used) clothes that fit. I don't feel so fat. Which is probably how people avoid seeing themselves gaining weight. You just apparently keep buying clothes that fit, get rid of the too small ones and thereby avoid the reality that you are getting fatter. Just an observation.

Well, this is not the most riveting and creative post, but my usable computer minutes have gone from 29 down to 24, and I have a few other things that I need to get done in the next half hour. When I have a new computer, you will all hear about it.

In the meantime, the library is an exercize in patience and blocking out annoying people. I'm getting very good at it.

Progress Report

2010-05-25T18:30:00.000-04:00

What an amazing week it's been so far! Actually, the last two weeks have been crucial for me in networking, asking for recommendations and introductions and getting advice on my search and resume.

Late last week, I reached out to many colleagues to recommend me on LinkedIn. So far, I've received 6 additional recommendations and some which are very glowing. This gave me the confidence that my reputation still stands strong and that even people I haven't reached out to in a while, still think highly of me. It gives me courage to keep searching, knowing that I'm a great candidate.

I also have asked many people for introductions to connections, in order to get my resume in front of the internal recruiter or HR department. I haven't yet seen the fruits of this labour, but I am hoping that this will happen soon. I may need to get myself into NY/Boston area to be available for interviews, but I'm willing to do that.

Today I spoke with an individual who is VP of Legal/Compliance for a large firm on the East Coast. While with a previous company, he and his department were a key service provider, so he knew of me. Another colleague of mine also asked him to speak with me and put in a good word. He reviewed my resume and gave me some really wonderful insight and ideas for improvement, which I will work on tomorrow. He also offered to give my information to recruiters who call him regularly, seeking viable candidates. Awesome!!

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview with HR for a local firm. I've been working with them for some time now, trying to find a good position for me. I'll be speaking with them about what I'm looking for and we'll talk about positions that are going to be coming down the pike soon. It will be a great chance to practice interviewing and presenting what I'm looking for.

Lastly, the opportunity to contract with a colleague in Atlanta is still a possibility and still in motion. I'm particularly excited about this and am hopeful this will work out, giving me a chance to work with someone I greatly respect, can learn a lot from and refresh my skills. Even though it would be short-term and not permanent, I believe it will be great for my resume and for getting me back in the mindset of being successful and confident, as well being a great way to re-enter the workforce.

My biggest obstacle is primarily juggling all of these things, along with the other responsibilities I now have, of eliminating belongings, getting my cats to my parents and packing and storing. There will be decisions to make over all of this. My sister's wedding is also coming up at the end of July and I have yet to figure out my travel and accommodations. This, however, is the least of my concerns. Mostly because I think I have it pretty figured out in my head and there's really nothing to decide. I have to be there.

The best part is my significantly improved mood and outlook on things. I've been so lucky to have friends that have rallied around me and have been supportive. I've had some minor work opportunities to keep me busy as well. I feel like I'm reintegrating myself into being social butterfly once again. I just really can't thank everyone enough, for their input, insight, support, friendship and connections. It feels great, knowing that if you ask, 90% of people are willing to help. To everyone who has stuck by me and has helped, I'm eternally grateful and hope someday I can return the favour.

Who Wants to Give Me a Book Deal?

2010-05-24T10:04:00.000-04:00

It is already a sunny, warm 75 degrees here, near the stinky, humid Ohio River. It's will only get warmer and more humid, I guarantee. My cats have already found the shady, darker corners of my condo and lay on the cooler, bamboo floors instead of their usual fleece blankets...maybe now I'll get to use my electric blanket while Fiona finds respite elsewhere. Not that I want to, though. It is hot!

Yesterday I helped a friend paint her new flat; she is renovating it and we also managed to pull up some old flooring in preparation for her new carpet to be laid tomorrow. I'll be going back today, to help again. It's been a lot of fun to hang out with her, and know that I'm being useful and helpful. It beats sitting around the house, watching the cats keep cool.

Today I'll also be meeting a friend who I haven't see for a while, and we'll eat our brown bag lunches in the center of the business district where she works. She's having her first baby in August, a little girl. It's exciting to see people moving in the direction of their lives.

Which brings me to mine. I've devised a plan...yes, another plan. I know, I know, I have a new one every other day, but there's nothing wrong with having options, right? I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat. Pray. Love. and it has inspired me. Ms. Gilbert wanted to find a way to be closer to God, so she took reprieve from her regular life to live in Italy for four months, then in an Ashram in India, and now I'm to the part where she stays with a Balinese medicine man. She's a professional writer so it was no thing for her to secure a book deal before she left, in order to tell her tale.

Perhaps I don't write for my living, and never have, but I'm a great writer and I'm sure that given the opportunity to tell my story, readers could embrace it as their own. That is, if they are an almost 30 year old single woman who was forced to give up her good job, home and car and reinvent herself. And, if she doesn't know if she wants kids, doesn't know what the next step should be, and wants now to be someone different than before. Haven't we all gone through that amazing journey of self-discovery? Well, I suppose for some people it's easier than that.

This weekend, I went to a tarot card reader. There was a neighbourhood festival and she happened to be there. For a mere $10, a ten minute reading told me that I am a light and advanced being. The lighter one is, however, the more complex. The reader held my hand and was agitated that she had such a short amount of time for such a complex being. But, she told me that the cards told her that I should let go of the controlling past (i.e. the responsibility, etc.) and there would be great change in my life. That I needed to invoke my creativity as it was wanting desperately to be released. She said there was travel in my future. And that I would not get married for a while, maybe another 6-7 years. She also saw lots of kids in my future (yikes!). Perhaps they were my own, but perhaps also I am a teacher or something along those lines. I have always dreamt of running an orphanage. All my own little babies and kids to love and cherish, without having had to birth them. Sounds quite ideal to me.

So I'm looking for a book deal. An advance would be nice so that I can afford my time abroad. I think now is the time for me to just take a great, big leap into the world. It's a little scary to decide to just roam the world for a while, but immensely exhilarating at the same time. I'm sure friends will come visit when and where they can and want. Perhaps I can also find a writing gig that at least pays a little bit, to support my travel habit.

But now is the time for me to do this. I'll never again get this chance. I wish I'd done this 10 months ago, at the beginning of all this, but undoubtedly I wouldn't have gained from it what I believe I'll gain from it now.

If you know of anyone (perhaps yourself?) who wants to give me a book deal, please let me know! If I want to change the world, I have to go see it first.

What No One Told Me

2010-05-21T10:34:00.000-04:00

The last time I looked for a job, I was almost 18 years old. I had been working at a grocery store in the deli with my older sister. My father was also a night stocker (stocker, not stalker) there too and that is how both my sister and I landed our jobs. We were, at first, queens of the baggers. Well, she was, I was just her minion. I was making a mere $4.85 an hour and it was with this money that I was to go to college. I did some calculations in my ever-analytical mind and even a summer of 40-50 hours a week, that money was really going to have to stretch over tuition, books, a car, car insurance, room and board at my parents' house (oh, yes! $200 a month!), clothes, food, and whatever else I thought I needed or wanted.

So I applied at a national retail store, against the wishes and advice of my parents who told me I'd "never get the job" because we were religious and I was not allowed to work on Sundays. But in fact, I did get the job and only a few months into my position as a shoe department clerk, I was offered a supervisory position and topped out my hourly wage at $8.50 by the time I left. I was quite revered as a hard worker, willingly staying 15 hours a day during holiday season and earned a coveted spot in the return center, post-Christmas. This is when I first fell in love with working and over-time.

By my sophomore year, I had been referred for 3 other part-time jobs. One with my sister (you'll notice a pattern here) working part-time in a psychologists' office, another with my sister (see, I told you) working in the Honors College office and a position that would herald my career, with my sister's friend, as a file clerk for the asset management division of a local bank. One position lead to another within the investment company, later acquired by a large super-regional bank and long story short, was promoted and transferred slightly closer to the Mason-Dixon line. For a while, I worked 4 part-time jobs, so I could study in Brasil and eventually, sometime around 2003, dropped a night-time position with the retail store and focused on my engaging and intellectually stimulating career in investment management.

Since then, I have never had to look for a job. Not really. I did reach out to another firm, with whom I worked, and almost took a position but was so wary of the company's financial and regulatory standing that I didn't take the position. But this time around, this is what no one told me: you can't do it all on your own.

You really can't. Not in this business, not in this economy. With the markets all wonky since the May 6 nose-dive, firms are engaging in more cya-ing than ever. And they should, they have a fiduciary duty and are responsible to shareholders to remain strong and stable. The good news in all of this may be that more and more compliance individuals will be needed to assess and monitor controls in trading, to ensure they do not inadvertently or otherwise contribute to a market flop.

But I've realized in the last few weeks, while digging myself out of my hole, that I need help. I have to squeeze every positive connection I've made over my almost 10 year career for what it's worth. My name used to be worth its weight in million-dollar trade settlements (which is like gold). I've shipped out Worldcom bonds during a gas leak which lead to our temporary eviction from our offices, using only my memory to dial the pertinent parties on my cell and my charm to get it done...a day before Worldcom all went to hell in a handbasket. I made the top of the list to receive bonds that were short the entire street over, because I knew who to talk to and how to talk to them. I never knew I'd be relying on trading my own name and reputation for a job, years later.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to pick up the phone and get the help I need. I'm starting to do just that and I wish I'd done it sooner. I just didn't think I'd have trouble finding a job all on my own. I'm sure I'll find that more people are willing to help me than I first thought. Don't be afraid and don't be shy. If you have a good reputation, and people remember you for what you did for them, it's time to ask them what they can do for you. I have discovered that colleagues who I didn't think I had a strong bond with, remembered me anyways and because of my reputation, they're willing to help me.

This is the first piece of advice I'd give to anyone recently laid off: get on the phone and call everyone you think you have even a limited amout of credibility with, and ask for help. Because that's what no one told me, and that's what I wish I would have known.

Deserve Vs. Entitle

2010-05-20T11:03:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much, my dear readers for your comments lately. They have offered some introspection and reflection. A most recent Anonymous asks, "The word deserve conveys a sense of entitlement. What gives you your sense of entitlement? Why does anyone owe you anything?"

I think this is a good question and the answer lies in definition, connotation and denotation. Dictionary.com defines deserve like this:

–verb (used with object)

to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

–verb (used without object)

to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

And Dictionary.com defines entitle like this:

–verb (used with object),-tled, -tling.

to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim: His executive position entitled him to certain courtesies rarely accorded others.

to call by a particular title or name: What was the book entitled?

to designate (a person) by an honorary title.

Mr. or Ms. Anonymous, I think you are right in asking for clarification; when we communicate, we choose our words based on our own definitions...based on our own experiences, frames of reference and situations. I will be quite honest and tell you that indeed, I used to have a sense of entitlement that drove my manager crazy! I was just a young pup and felt like I was doing a good job and entitled to more money, a better title and more autonomy. Entitle indicates that it's just bestowed on you for not necessarily any reason of merit.

Deserve, on the other hand, by definition (above), is something granted because of merit, your actions, worthy of, qualified for.... And, I think it is in that spirit which I say that I deserve a good job. 10 months ago, I might have felt more entitlement to have a job. Hey, I had a job before, I should have been bestowed with yet another. But now, the hard work I've been pouring into searching, connecting, keeping up on industry progress...I feel like a job is more deserved now. And, if deserve is like a "reward"....well, I hope all this work is rewarded soon.

No, no one owes me anything at all. I only owe it to myself to wake up every day and try to make a difference in someone's life (and sometimes that's in my life). I owe it to myself to work hard, be proud of that work and make it count. I owe my readers clarification and explanation and a good story. I'm not asking for really anything in return. But I appreciate whatever comes my way, good or bad.

Seeing My Future

2010-05-19T11:23:00.000-04:00

It's another pajama day here in the grey, dull and rainy Midwest. I have no where to go, no one to see and a lot of writing to do. I have a writing assignment from my life coach. It involves writing a very detailed description of what I want my future life partner/husband to be. I know, I know, this all sounds really cheesy and corny to some of you, right? Perhaps. But it's good to be able to define what you want. So I was directed to think of my last 4-5 relationships and make lists of what I liked and disliked about those men, then create a list from that, of what I want in my perfect partner.

I started this list on Monday and soon set it aside because of my job search and getting together with some friends (seriously, it feels like a weekend, I've gone out twice already this week!). It was great to catch up with one new friend who patiently allowed me to explain credit default swaps and the Goldman Sachs complaint. And last night, celebrated the 31st birthday of my neighbour bestie, and her engagement. Such a wonderful night and I hope she knows how much she is loved and appreciated! It's one of the best things to give love...just because...and not look or ask for anything in return. What you give, you end up getting, I believe.

So back to my assignment and why today is the day for me to work on this. Even though I am talking to a new bloke, I don't really know that it's really going to work out. And, that's okay. I do see that he was dropped in for a purpose and I'm appreciative of that. I was talking to one of my friends last night, just talking about life in general, boys mostly I guess, and stating that I was really looking to be in a healthy, committed relationship. I just blurted out with a relative amount of conviction, "I deserve to be in a good, healthy committed relationship!" I stunned myself. Clearly, if this thought escaped my lips without me thinking about it first...it means that I don't just know it, better yet, I believe it. Progress. If you don't know me and my dating history, this may not mean much to you. But it means something to me.

And just as I deserve to be in a good, healthy, committed relationship, I believe that I deserve a great, engaging and challenging job for an ethical company who believes in diversity and giving back (and paying me!). If you're unemployed, I hope that you believe that for yourself too. It's easy to not believe it, when you've been torn down for months on end. But you're surviving, right? You're making decisions and making plans...did you know that not everyone can do that? But you can. I was certainly stuck for a long time; this blog is a testament to that. It's time to take charge. Do something today that acts as a catalyst for moving forward. If it's renting your condo out, like I'm doing, so I can be mobile...do it. And tell me what you've done. I'd love to hear!

Having realized, and surprised myself, that I truly believe that I deserve that kind of relationship...I know right now is the right time for me to define Mr. Right. I'm also defining the Right Job in my mind and it's going to come along...I can just feel it.

I Thought You Should Know

2010-05-17T11:17:00.000-04:00

By now, many of you are familiar with who I am. You've courageously read about my ups and downs. I say courageous, because I think you must be this, to have remained a loyal reader. You've seen me at my worst. But you've never seen me at my best. You don't know the "real me." So, I'm going to tell you a little bit about the Real Me.

I used to want to be a fish when I grew up. This is a true story. I would walk around the house, with my little lips scrunched up into a fishy peck, and swim and swerve around the house, my hands together like fins, slicing through the air, as though it were water. I'm deathly afraid of water.

In pre-school, when asked to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up, I saw all the boys drawing firemen, astronauts and policemen. The girls drew nurses, teachers and moms. Me: a multi-colour haired skateboarder. It took me forever to figure out something that was different.

When I was about 4 or 5, we got a cat and named him Friday. He was my best friend. He hated my older sister. He is living a beautiful life now, by a pond, running through the tall grass and chasing butterflies. Sometimes he gingerly steps to the edge of the pond and looks at the fish. He might eat one if he's hungry, I imagine.

I didn't know I was smart, or intelligent, til my sophomore year of college and an Honors College professor told me so, after I fell asleep in her class. She wondered why one of her most precocious students should fall asleep and rather embarrassed me when she woke me up by slapping the top of my desk.

I willed myself into doing things, after that. I wanted so badly to study in Brasil. I did. Against my parents' preferences, got a scholarship, worked four part-time jobs and made it happen. It was perhaps the most transformative four months of my life.

The summer I met the best man I've ever met, I just knew it was going to be the summer that I found somebody I'd want to date and be with for a long time. Even though our dating relationship lasted only 2.5 years, we are still best friends to this day. It was almost like I had dreamt this, and willed it into being so.

My career, heretofore, has been an exercise in pure, sheer will. I willed and wanted my way into learning complex fixed income instruments, derivatives, how to interpret regulations and securities laws, how to apply those laws to daily business practices... and enjoyed many parts of that... that requires sheer willpower if nothing else does.

So here I am today, looking at who I was before this almost 10 month affair with unemployment. I'm willing myself to find my next ideal job with an ideal boss in an ideal city. I know it's going to happen. I can feel it in my bones, that something is just around the corner for me.

Just like the little girl who wanted to be a fish, even though she is afraid of water.... I can conquer and quell those fears.

Like the cheeky little child who absolutely insisted she draw something spectacularly different, just to be different.... I stand out among all the sameness; I am unique.

As the prescient young adult, seeing her future mate and friend before he arrived.... I am once again, seeing a sign of wonderful things to come. Not just a job, but my partner for life. We are slowly spinning round and round, towards each other and soon our worlds will collide.

Some things just don't change; Fiona, a little replica of Friday and her sister Portia keep me company. I'm still different. My willing-ness...it's all still there. I'm a fighter, a survivor and I'm going to fight and claw and will my way into a job because it's the only way I know how. I just thought you should know.

Big Decisions

2010-05-13T13:44:00.000-04:00

So, I made a very big decision today. It's been a long time coming, so voila, here it is: I'm moving out of my condo by July 1st. I've committed to it and hired someone to do the leg work for me for a discounted fee, of course. It remains to be seen where I shall be living after that. It is entirely dependent on my job situation. If I have none, I imagine I'll still be here. I have, however, given some thought to moving directly to a city where I'd like to live, even sans job. The cats are going to be sent to my parents' house for a little while until I get settled in a permanent spot.

I could potentially have a 3 or so month contract gig in Atlanta by that time. A colleague there contacted me and asked about my availability. I'm available, so long as a full time opportunity doesn't come first. I do have one decent thing in the fire here, it's just a matter of waiting....first for interviews, then for any decisions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll be packing and purging and continuing the search and connection-making. What a grand life.

totally random musings

2010-05-11T11:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not really feeling too inspired to write, but I suppose it's best to maintain appearances and such. After a few long weeks of making a lot of new connections and applying for a myriad of jobs, I'm ready for kind of a break. I expect to be scheduling 2 interviews soon and now it's just a waiting game of when will I hear from them. Both are local. I also just had a recruiter call and chat with me about a position in Minneapolis. This would have been nice if MG were still around. Since it is a step back with no paid relocation, I am imagining this might not be the position for me. I will, however, just let the hiring manager decide if he wants to pursue it further.

I read an article about the number of jobs added in the last month and I have to say I can definitely tell the job market is opening up a little bit. There are more jobs out there for which I can apply that would fit my level of experience and expertise. I have to start checking my voice mails because I'm actually getting calls now. I even touched base again with the Boston firm which had to turn me down recently; I haven't hear back yet. I've decided that Boston might be a good place for me to go... obviously, I'm concentrating on my love life as much as my job search and since I want to be there for grad school anyways... I'm not sure why or how it takes 9 months to figure this out. But as far as I can tell, I think Boston would have a great selection for me, based on my personal preferences.

In other news, I feel like most people I know are either getting married, having babies, buying houses or other such things. It's not that I feel that I need to do these things because others are doing them...and I've already bought a house...but I do feel it's time for me to have another more long-term relationship. Since my very first which lasted two and a half years, nothing since has lasted more than five or six months. This makes me feel somewhat retarded in the dating category, but I'm not going to blame myself entirely. I'll partially blame two blokes who moved away (no hard feelings), and the availability, or lack thereof, of the type of man I'm looking for here in this city. I'm not really sure what "normal" is in this regard, but I met someone who seemed to think it wasn't normal.

But this is how it goes for me: Meet bloke. Bloke is very interested. Bloke suddenly isn't interested any more. I really don't get boring after a week or a few months, honestly. I don't expect anyone to be in love with me in that short amount of time. I am always somewhat skeptical of someone's intentions. I'm not really sure what my problem is. I do feel that when I have a job again, dating will be easier and less awkward. Oh, what do you do? Ummm....in career transition? Uh....oh. Okay. Moving right along. Although I think this is more accepted for me as a woman, than perhaps if I were a man.

And speaking of houses, I've decided that with these two potential positions locally, I'll stay here and not make a decision until June 1 about whether or not I'll rent it out. Although, I figure that neither hiring decision will likely be made by that time frame. Decisions, decisions.

And so goes my day... it's lunch time, or close enough to lunch time....

Question from a Reader

2010-05-04T15:08:00.000-04:00

Today requires another post. How can I leave my readers with just a few, paltry paragraphs? I did not get a cupcake. There was a strawberries and cream cupcake that was proclaimed vegan. Why this disappointed me so much, I do not know. What was more disappointing was the thin smear of some kind of sad excuse for frosting on the top. The cupcake itself look hard, crusty and inedible to a true cupcake connoisseur. I was looking for the over-sized cupcakes with mounds of butter cream frosting on top. I shall have to make my own. From scratch. I have all the ingredients and it will save me from having to buy a box mix. I will, however, have to go buy some powdered sugar for the butter cream frosting.

But, wait....let's read this comment from a dutiful reader and respond to it. Other unemployed persons, please feel free to chime in with your response to our dear reader, Elizabeth. Elizabeth says:

I have been following your blog for some time now; I don't understand why you don't just get a job to have a job...like working anywhere doing anything. It seems that you feel it is beneath you to be employed doing anything other than a job that is in your field making boat loads of cash. Sometimes it is better to do something than nothing. In my opinion I think that a prospective employer would wonder what you have been doing this whole time that you have been unemployed, but I guess they could read your blog....

First, thank you, Elizabeth, for asking what seems on the surface, to be a valid and legitimate question from someone who presumably, has never experienced unemployment.

Ah, where to begin? First, let me explain that I have a mortgage to pay, and I am single so I do not have a spouse or significant other to help me with this. Secondly, unemployment benefits are calculated as a percentage of your previous salary. So, mine are pretty decent and I am thankful to be able to cover my mortgage and my HOA fee, and not a lot else. If I were to "just get a job to have a job...like working anywhere doing anything" I likely would not get paid as much as I do in benefits, thereby jeopardizing my ability to pay my mortgage, feed myself and my cats, pay my other bills, etc. This is just simple mathematics, Elizabeth.

I do not, in fact, feel it is beneath me to be employed doing anything other than a job in my field making boat loads of cash. It just does not make sense financially for me to do so. But there is something else that we must consider. What employer is going to hire a former VP to do just any job? Dear Elizabeth, let me tell you: none that I have contacted so far. I would be happy to share with you my litany of jobs for which I have applied, in my field and out of my field, that would pay half or less than half of what I used to make (but of course, more than my bennies pay me). The presumption of an employer is that if they were to under-employ me, I would rapidly become bored, unproductive and as soon as I were to find a more appropriate position, I would jump ship. They are absolutely correct.

Do you know how much it costs to hire one employee, Elizabeth? I don't either, I can't remember the figure, but it is a LOT of money. Hiring, training, benefits and the like. To hire someone who will be bored, unproductive and as quickly as possible jump ship is not a financially savvy undertaking for any business, and as so many businesses find themselves needing to be extremely frugal, it would be a rare company you could find who would want to take on such a financial burden over and over and over and over as the masses of un- and under-employed individuals go for "just anything" and use them as a jumping point to a better gig. When you consider that roughly 8.4 million jobs have disappeared, and if everyone just got jobs, just to get jobs, and then move on to the next best just a job, how much that would cost not just the companies, but how that would effect you the consumer, Elizabeth? Very cost inefficient. But, I don't expect you to have thought of that.

Elizabeth. I have applied for retail positions. I worked retail all through college. In fact, Liz-diz, if I may take the liberty of nick-naming you, I worked 4 part-time jobs during college because my father refused to let me take out loans or to contribute financially to my education. I tell you this, because I want to dispel that silly notion that is undoubtedly lodged in your head that I am a lazy individual. After applying for a handful of these jobs it was my realization that I'd lose benefits, lose time to spend in a real job search and essentially be an inefficient use of my time.

Prospective employers have, in fact, wondered what I have been doing. And do you know, Liz-diz my dear, what they say when I tell them about my volunteering, my small consulting gigs, my leadership classes, my job search and networking and connecting and figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life, among the other things I do that I do not write about on this blog? They are impressed! Yes! The very best of employers who would hire me because I was a VP and have some heavy titles and experience on my resume, they are so happy that I have not settled for just a job! It shows that I have determination, tenacity and passion for my career and industry. I care about my job, about my career. It's important to me. And because I care about my job, they know that I am 100% serious about working for them. I'm not just foolishly bandying about, applying for silly jobs that are beneath me, wasting their time and money.

I've lost almost all other dignities in my life, Liz-diz, including the one that can accuse unemployed people from my high, employed tower and tell them how lazy they must be. For you to imply that I do nothing is an insult of the highest sort. I'd like to see you try to find a job these days and then say that you do nothing. It's a full-time job, looking for a job. I'm sure you haven't a clue what an emotional thing it is, to have rejection as your daily routine. That you can't even find a job, just any job. Cursed is the woman with too much experience. Of course, it's entirely possible that you would not have a problem finding just any job, Lizzie, because you have not arrived at the level of career at which I had. That oddly makes it easier for you. There are many, many just jobs out there for those who did not work hard, have tenacity and smarts and intelligence to excel and exceed and rise head and shoulders above their peers. Or were just plain too lazy to do so.

Would you rather, Liz-diz, that I take a job, any job, say flipping burgers, a cashier, a landscaper, a...whatever...and lose my house, lose my car, lose everything I own, go into bankruptcy and foreclosure and add to this current credit crisis? Or would you prefer that I continue to pay my mortgage and be a good, productive member of society (as I imagine this might be your idea of a productive member of society).

Lastly, Liz the diz, I do know a gentleman who has been unemployed for a year and half and has actually taken a job, just any job. He was not at the level of career that I was, but I can tell you from my conversations with him, that he feels a whole host of not so positive emotions about take a job, just any job. It's depressing. You can't even imagine what soul-crushing he has already been through in a year and half and then what soul-sacrificing he had to do to take just a job. I wish I could impress upon you that unemployment is about more than just taking a job, any job. The toll it takes on you, emotionally, physically, socially and financially is more than I think most people can bear. And Liz, I hope you never find yourself in this position. If you do, however, I shall be the first to treat you with grace and kindness when you discover the harsh realities of the entire unemployed experience.

Elizabeth my friend, I do not expect you to understand unless you go through this yourself. I choose to accept your ignorance, but I do not accept your acerbic tone when you say, "In my opinion I think that a prospective employer would wonder what you have been doing this whole time that you have been unemployed, but I guess they could read your blog...." How cold, cruel and heartless you seem. It is as though you feel I spend my time in worthless pursuits. How would you suggest I spend my time if I cannot get obtain a job, even just any job? I am open to suggestions.

I would invite you, Elizabeth, to be part of the documentary I am making about the unemployed experience. I value your perspective and should you like, I would very much like to interview you, in person (on film or not, your choice) and get your thoughts. They are honest, authentic and valid questions that likely reflect the sentiments of the majority of the population who is blessed to not have to go through this experience. If you are willing to be part of my project, please let me know. Also, I appreciate that you have the balls to ask me those questions.

Warmest Regards,

Hire Me

Cupcakes and Documentaries

2010-05-04T10:49:00.000-04:00

This week I am finding it immensely difficult to focus on my job search. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it is really nice outside. Maybe because I'm distracted by MG more often than not (and his apparent reluctance to call me). Maybe because I really just want to sit outside, eat a cupcake and read, read, read. And read some more. And write, maybe, if I feel like it.

Also, I'm looking for anyone who is experienced in the documentary making business. If you have a connection, or are that, please get in touch with me! I guess that would mean a comment or something.

I'm going to go eat my cupcake now. And read.

50 Things To Do Before I Die - Part I

2010-05-03T08:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how many parts to this list there will be, but I'm pretty sure I can't crank out 50 items in the next 10 minutes. Nine minutes...when I meet with my life coach who recommended this undertaking to me.

Graduate from Harvard
Travel around the world
Live in another country for a while
Find the love of my life
Find a meaningful job
Change someone's life
Go to culinary school
Write a book of short stories/poems
Write a novel
Take my nieces on vacation
Go on vacation by myself
Rent a beach house for a month in Oregon and do nothing but write
Drive across the country

It all comes out in the wash sooner or later

2010-05-02T18:56:00.000-04:00

I have a sudden, awful urge to eat a whole bag of peanut butter cups and drink a whole bottle of wine, all by myself. Yes, PB & Chocolate and sleep inducing alcohol are my vices and my comforts. It's a dull grey, rainy and cool day. I've been able to distract myself through most of the weekend, but now I'm unable to come up with distractions for myself.

MG left me an odd voice mail, explaining why he isn't ready to talk to me. I find this highly suspect, as it is quite unlike him to be this way, and have decided that I should suspect him of finding other female attentions. I can't say that I'm crushed, or even really angry. Day 4 into stonewall silence does nothing to endear him to me any further and in fact, rather detracts from his attractiveness. And, I suppose I'm not altogether too surprised by what I consider normal male behaviour, as sad as that is.

Okay, now I'm angry. I suppose I've now gotten through the whole denial stage and I'm onto angry. The weekend was not, however, a complete loss. I enjoyed the company of some new friends on Friday night and hopefully I did not keep them out too late. Saturday night, I enjoyed an orchestra concert, followed by a house party for the orchestra people, and met a hilariously blunt and honest bloke, who is a violinist in the orchestra. It was refreshing to just enjoy the company of friends.

And, that is all that is my life: disappointment, rejection, wash down with alcohol and friend, rinse and repeat.

LIfe is Better with Sunshine

2010-04-30T10:41:00.000-04:00

Today is looking like a beautiful day outside. As much as I would love to have my windows open, catching all the fresh downtown air one could get, I'm electing to keep my windows closed because of a little thing called Major Allergies. Pollen count is unusually high here this year and my reaction has been wicked. I very much wish it was Saturday today, so that I could walk to the market, find some plants to plant in my sad little pots and grow some herbs and maybe a tomato plant. Tomorrow is Saturday, but it's supposed to rain.

Instead, I think I will walk around my neighbourhood and enjoy the nice weather while it is here. As it is already 69 degrees at 10:30am, I'm sure it's going to be a hot day today. I'm sad that MG and I had a little bit of a tiff and he decided not to come for a visit. I would very much have liked to walk around with him. Every time he's been here, it's been rainy and cold. Plus, sunshine puts me in an awesome mood. And today is Final Friday...all the merchants, galleries and shops on Main Street stay open a wee bit later today and the cool people come down to check them out. It would have been a fun prelude to some late night drinks and other shenanigans.

In other news, I had an awesome couple come check out my condo. I really liked them and hope they will rent it. If they do, they will have to be in by the end of May. Meaning I will have to be out by the end of May. I'm confident that I can find a relatively inexpensive place to live that is decent. I have a lot of connections. Even if I can't do month to month, or even a 6 month lease, I guess if I have to do a year lease and then have to move because of a job, it wouldn't be too terribly expensive to break the lease. In a way, I'm excited about living in a smaller, simpler space. On the other hand, now that my place is terrifically clean (I'm going to try really, really hard to keep it that way), and I've moved some furniture, I really am loving my place. The cats love it more too, I think. Fiona happily lazes on a chair in full sunshine all morning. Portia lolls, her big fat catness sleepily spilled on the bamboo floor.

Yesterday, I once again realised what fabulous friends I have. Even a new friend I have made, sent me encouragement about the bad day I was having. I only hope that I can return the favours to the friends who put up with my angst and worry yesterday, regarding the little tiff MG and I had.

Since I did so much connecting, applying and other such stuff earlier this week, in preparation for MG's landing here, I still am going to give myself an easy day today. I plan to stroll around, wishing I had a camera, taking in all the sites and sounds. I'll stop by the bakery; carbs are always good when your heart hurts. And maybe even the wine store. Although, I will probably just look at the wine. Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, there is a market tour I'll be going on, given by a good, new friend of mine. Then, an orchestra concert of another friend later in the evening. I'm looking forward to keeping busy.

Today is Tuesday

2010-04-27T18:19:00.000-04:00

Seeing as how I have a cat laying on top of my arms, which are connected to the keyboard, I guess I'll write a quick little post.

This cleaning effort has taken on a Herculean resemblance. I'll be going home to do my annual daughterly duty, over Mother's Day weekend and in true motherly fashion, my mum will be helping me re-cover a small chair and a stool from my late grandmother. In addition, I have a load of clothes and shoes for my sister to bring, plus other miscellaneous things that I am giving to my mum, as well as things for her garage sale. So, I am boxing up all the clothes that don't fit me right now and hope that some day they do. Then it's some continued furniture re-arranging.

This sore throat is less sore and more just swollen. And, I'm still really tired. I do have almost all day tomorrow to get it all in ship-shape, but tonight I'm hoping to finish the pile of clothes on my bed, and put clean sheets on. Tomorrow, I want to vacuum out my car, and start loading up some of the things I'll be taking home, so that they aren't just laying around here. Since I have a viewing for a possible renter, I thought I should make a significant effort to make it look all nice. I know the closets will look all cluttered, because I have boxes upon boxes of stuff, but it's the best I can do at the moment.

And then...MG is coming! As long as he doesn't have jury duty, that is. I'm so excited about that; it hardly seems real, though. I haven't seen him in almost a month, since before his European tour. I feel like we are falling in a comfortable existence. Like last night when he called me around midnight, after his shift, to talk for an hour and half. It was unexpected, but most appreciated. Just little things like that are nice; it lets me know he wants to talk to me. I know, I know...you are thinking that I should expect him to want to talk to me! Well, after ex-man-boy, who just flatly said he isn't a phone person, it is just refreshing to be with someone who likes to talk on the phone, and recognizes that it's necessary to keep up our relationship; that this woman cannot live by texting alone.

Now I am tired and want to take another nap, but I really shouldn't. If I can get through the clothes on the bed, I will be happy with my progress for the day. I think I'll go put on a mud mask to make this whole thing seem slightly more worthwhile.

Free to good home: ME!

2010-04-26T16:12:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks I've been applying for jobs, making new contacts, connecting with old contacts, writing cover letters, making phone calls and just general job search stuff, veritably non-stop. In addition, slowly (I mean, really slowly) going through stuff, making mental check lists of things I could sell, and ruminating over whether I should just sell all my stuff, pack up and leave...except the where will I go part hasn't exactly fallen into place. Since my state unemployment benefits ran out, I am having to much more seriously consider my future living arrangements.

I can probably leave the cats with my parents, except that poses the problem of my brother-in-law being highly allergic to cats. My other sister has two cats already, so that wouldn't work out so well either. I don't know that I'd stay with my parents; it would pretty much be the death of any dating relationship that I have, and I really like the one that I have right now. I could stay with a friend who lives in Virginia, but again, I can't bring the cats because of his precious leather furniture.

I have a potential rental prospect coming to see my place on Wednesday. This means I better get it in gear and do some cleaning, tidying, and general making it look nice and inviting. But if they want to rent it, that's when I'll have to really figure things out. It's scary trying to find a place to live when you have all these things you want to balance...a continued attempt at a social/dating life, super cheap or free, accepts your cats, etc.

It was even more discouraging today when the firm that called me out of the blue to discuss job opportunities a week or so ago, emailed to tell me that they have declined to interview me for a position for which I applied. I feel like this is a completely impossible task...this damn job searching. I don't want to take just anything.

Daily, it's been sending in a mere 5-6 applications. I've heard from others who send in 70 a day...unfortunately, there is just not that much hiring going on in my business, or in my specific niche of compliance.

Add in a sore throat for the day along with a deep, sultry smoker's voice as a result...I am just one hot ticket right now, right? It's so discouraging. Rejection has become my daily bread.

Feathers in My Hair

2010-04-24T07:31:00.000-04:00

I'm entirely uncertain why I am awake, and have been, since 5:30am on a rainy, dreary, grey Saturday morning. The Norah Jones station on Pandora is keeping me company, as is little F-cat, who insists on sitting on my lap and cutting off circulation to my legs and feet.

The only reasons I can think of for my inane early awakening are 1) the deep gnawing in the pit of my stomach, also known as hunger; 2) the never-ending sniffing and sneezing of my allergies; and 3) the non-stop activity in my cerebrum that likes to keep me awake for various lengths of time at all odd hours. What could I possibly be thinking about at 6am? I don't know...

It's the realization that things just aren't the same as they used to be. I don't know if it's worse or better. I tend to think better. Unemployment has this way of deftly weeding out people who aren't real, true friends. And so, when you get the occasional chance to go out with friends on a random Friday night, it's a more meaningful interaction. You remember that you have a sense of humour that other people laugh at and possibly even appreciate. Now that's refreshing.

It's the realization that there is a time and a season, a place and a reason for everything in life. And maybe it's time to move on. Whether it's because I've outgrown them, they've outgrown me, we've grown in different directions, or simply we're just uncomfortable with each other for whatever reason (I'm certain unemployment has its part in it), there are friends that just simply aren't mine any more. It's sad to see they have moved on, in their direction, without me. Or that I have just moved on without them, which causes me no amount of grief and guilt that I perhaps pushed them away. On one hand, it's lovely to see people that I've introduced to each other bonding and engaging in a rewarding friendship. On the other, it hurts that I'm no longer part of my larger groups and circles in which I once moved.

I realize that my deep, intrinsic need to connect with others, meaningfully, on a more or less constant basis is never fully met. And so, this causes me to lay awake at night. Apparently. Listening to music...someone else's voice. Not my own, not the thoughts running endlessly through my mind.

Time Heals All

2010-04-19T17:42:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't really been writing a whole lot lately, and you are, I know, mad with desire to read all my recent thoughts and happenings. It's been a lot of this: Wow, we really like your background and experience and you interviewed really well. Unfortunately, we don't have a position right now that will fit your level of expertise; what we currently have is entry level, far below your experience. We'll keep you in mind in case of future openings though. Best of luck in your search.

Now, I know that the whole investment and financial industry has taken a hard hit, and things aren't going to bounce back as quickly this time around. The fact that employment is a lagging economic factor doesn't really help either. I know that I'll hear that goodness knows how many times before I actually get a job. I have some good leads now, though and have broadened my network, if nothing else.

I spent 5 days staying with a friend in Denver. I really, really like the city of Denver very much, and perhaps I'll find a position there. Who knows. Some local possibilities have increased, and that also makes me hopeful. I feel like I have finally accepted my current situation. As MG tells me, this is something happening to me, it does not define me and it is not who I am. I like him. He is wise. And kind. I'm thankful that he understands that.

I continue to attempt the purge of stuff that is just stuff and clutter. It can be a difficult, long and laborious process. Especially with clothes that don't fit right now, and I wonder if they ever will again. It's depressing and de-motivating. I wish I could have a garage sale, too. Maybe my mother will have one this spring and I can bring all of my stuff to sell too. I'm giving my older sister and niece a bunch of things including a plethora of shoes that I no longer wear. With me as her shoe supplier, she rarely needs to buy her own.

And yes, I did mention MG. It's taken me such a long time to trust him after ex-man-boy especially, but I'm finally ready to trust him. He's been on my side when I needed someone to be, he's always in my corner and never judges me for all the crazy things I have been going through. He's sweet, kind and oh-so-wise. Not to mention quite a handsome bloke too. It's so nice to date someone who is mature and unafraid of my myriad emotions. I haven't seen him in a few weeks since he was in Europe, but we plan on seeing each other in a week or two. And, I've been invited to go visit him, except it's so expensive for me and my first round of state unemployment benefits just ran out today. Yes, you'd think I should freak out, but...that really wouldn't help now, would it? Anyways, he is missed but we stay in touch on a daily basis and it is really working quite well for me (and him, I hope) for now.

There is not much else from the jobless front to report, so since some guacamole is calling my name... I bid adieu for now.

Walk in My Shoes

2010-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:00

If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I was.

Worn, black heels sit unattended in my closet. When I slip them on, I breathe a deep breath, close my eyes and smile. I am transported. In those little shoes, I stood tall and walked confidently. Almost a life time ago, those shoes and I climbed to the pinnacle of my career. They heard the news the day I was flicked off the pinnacle, as though I were an insignificant insect... "We have to let you go."

Identical red and silver heels wait patiently to be worn again. Once the life of the party, we danced the night away. It used to be that I could walk into a room in those heels...my slender legs lengthened by the height of the heel and issuing confidence...my head held high, a smile on my face and we commanded that room with the ease and grace of royalty.

If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I am.

I exchanged those empowering black heels for practical flats after that day, almost nine months ago. I have walked an eternity of sad and lonely steps in those shoes. As friends slipped silently away, they protected my feet, but not my heart. Tears have touched the soles of those shoes, as sadness has enveloped my soul.

To pound out the frustration and fear of the uncertain, I lace up my running shoes. Mile after mile, letting anger sweat out of my mind and my body. I'm running away from my insecurities, my lack of confidence and towards a hopeful and bright future.

If you look at my shoes, you'll know who I will be.

Another pair is quietly speaking to me. Black, strappy wedges, from my days in Brazil. Those shoes walked me to the prisons where I did research. I close my eyes, sigh, and remember my future. My potential stares me in the face and I look at those shoes. Everything I have done in those shoes reminds me of my strength, determination and tenacity.

There is a pair of shoes, not yet in my closet. I imagine them to be small, green leather flats, like a pair I saw recently. They reflect my sweetness in their design, my strength in the leather they are made of, and my happiness in their colour. I close my eyes and let my breath escape from my lips as I imagine them on my feet. I am transported. Contentedly, I will begin my journey of a thousand miles with a single step, in those shoes.

Resurrection: My Easter Post

2010-04-04T13:13:00.000-04:00

So is it really time for another post? I guess so. I've decided this blog is really depressing. Even more depressing than the news from Boston this past week: we love you, we can't hire you, check back with us soon. If you love me, hire me. It's that easy, right? I thought the economy added jobs at the fastest pace in the last three years? So why aren't you hiring me? Oh, wait...it was factories, stores, hospitals and the Census which added jobs. Is that why I received my final notice to fill out my census before a census worker contacts me? I filled it out and returned it the day I got it in the mail. But I suppose the government just wanted to keep workers busy by stuffing and licking envelopes and taking boxes upon boxes of these gentle reminders to the post office. It also kept the postal office in business, I imagine. I hear they were considering stopping postal service on Saturdays.

It's funny to me that some people will take this as good news. Of course the economy, at some point, was bound to add jobs at the fastest pace in three years. But what does that really mean? It means we've lost so many bloody jobs in the last three years but now we are having a slight anomaly in hiring because of the decennial census, Easter shopping and since Americans haven't been buying anything for the last three years, they finally need to, so factories are producing marginally more goods to keep us clothed or whatever for the next few years while we continue to buckle down on expenses and saving money. That's my analysis.

Read it, ladies and gentlemen: 15 million workers still out of work. But I wonder how they come up with this number. Does it account for the millions that have just dropped off the unemployment benefit rolls because they've been out of work for so long? That's what I really wanted the census to ask: Are you working? And, do you want to work? If you answer no and yes, respectively, then I want that number tallied. Let's see how many people out there are really unemployed. Or underemployed, but that's more of a grey area.

Cries of, "this is for real" and "we're really very optimistic" and such are made irrelevant when a garden center in Virginia is hiring 100 people, but an increasing number of applicants for these jobs are laid off white collar workers. We might be getting jobs back, but in the service sector, not in the high end white collar world where people such as myself struggle to return to the life we once knew and not as a garden center employee.

My Easter wish is this: the economy is resurrected to a genuinely sustainable state; that all workers who want to work have work that they love; that you and yours receive God's grace, goodness and peace during this economic recovery.

I just don't know any more...

2010-04-01T11:03:00.000-04:00

Life must be truly depressing and awful when you wake up to windows wide open, birds chirping and 63 degree weather and you still don't feel like doing anything. Of course, every day I do my requisite job searching. Monday night I applied for a Bank Examiner position, working for the Fed Reserve of Cleveland. I kid you not, less than 12 hours later, they sent me a rejection email. And, I still haven't heard anything from Boston.

I'm getting to the point where I have to do something. I want to go travel, but that costs money. I do have quite a few frequent flyer miles that I could use. I have a friend who will be in Frankfurt, Germany for a few months and I reconnected with a classmate from my study abroad days who is living temporarily in Budapest, Hungary. My people (at least one half of them) are from the Netherlands. I speak Spanish and Portuguese. I could totally get myself around Europe, right? I just don't want to do it by myself and I can't afford one of those tour groups.

Thankfully, I am getting out of dodge and visiting my dear friend in Denver, CO next weekend and let me tell you...it can't come soon enough.

I feel like the majority of my friends all have the perfect lives. New houses, redecorating to be done, picking out the finishes for their new construction condos, getting married, perfect boyfriend relationships, taking trips, new clothes, slender bikini ready bodies, married and having babies...whatever it is they have desired in life, they have received.

My life is in fail mode. I'm having trouble recovering from unemployment. Networking events even cost money! Becoming a member of a regional or international chamber of commerce costs money!

Graduate school doesn't seem like a viable option for me...most grad schools require that you apply by January 15 for the following fall semester. And we all know I flaked out on taking the GRE last fall because I was so preoccupied by ex-man-boy. Damn him. Why did I ever meet him? I'd probably be on my way to Harvard shortly if it weren't for him. Damn it. I'm kicking myself for not applying. What was wrong with me? All my excuses about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, etc... sigh.

My best option at this point would be the job in Boston. That aside, I have no idea what I'll be doing in the near future. Going back to a job, just any job, just to have a job sounds so soul sucking, but maybe I just have to do it anyways.

A Simple Question

2010-03-31T11:11:00.000-04:00

There's this permanent sense of loss, and bereavement that I feel these days. My old self seems to have left me and I'm realising now she isn't coming back. She left me forever changed. Marked with an indelible desire for connection, knowledge, respect, autonomy and passion, I am unable to meet these demands.

She left and I'm here alone, facing the never ending question: who am I?

More Food, Please

2010-03-30T15:13:00.000-04:00

When there is nothing to do, there is in fact only one thing to do. Cook. Or bake, but I prefer to cook.

I've been on a huge salsa kick lately and today I made another one that included red and white onions, garlic, a can of diced tomatoes with jalapenos, a little bit of leftover crushed tomatoes, cumin and parsley. It's quite a different taste and the kick kind of gets you right in the middle and finishes with an earthy flavour which I believe is imparted by the parsley. I would have preferred to use cilantro but didn't want to go to the store just to get it; it's also not cheap at the one place I can find fresh cilantro without having to run all over creation. So I just blended all these ingredients and, voila! It was missing something, so I added some basalmic vinegar and simmered for 15 minutes on low heat.

I didn't have any tortilla chips either, so I cut up a bunch of corn tortillas that I don't like the flavour of, put a little olive oil on them, then sprinkled seasoning salt, baked at 350 for 15 minutes. I think they'll go well with the salsa.

The one thing I made today that I thought had real potential for my imaginary, someday I'll own it deli, was a sandwich. Not just any sandwich though. I started with plain ciabatta slices and buttered one side of each. I slathered the opposite side of one slice with my sundried tomato pesto (STP), layered on some slices of fresh mozzarella and two slices of thickly cut roasted chicken from the deli, another slathering of STP and topped it off with the finishing slice of ciabatta. I kind of grilled it in the skillet on lowish heat and pressed another, heavier skillet on top of it to press it (I wish I owned a panini press!). I turned sides twice, letting it sit while slowly getting that crispy, crunchy texture. I have to say, that crunchy crust with the softer, smoother textures of the mozz, pesto and chicken was amazing. Nothing short of the best lunch I've had in a while. It was sooo, sooo good.

My next project I think will be batatas bravas con aioli....

Sundried Tomato Pesto

2010-03-30T10:29:00.000-04:00

I made this yesterday and it actually made quite a bit. I gave half of it to my neighbour. It was quite good.

4 oz. sundried tomatoes
2 TBSP fresh basil
1 TBSP fresh parsley
1 TBSP chopped garlic
1/4 cup of pine nuts
3 TBSP chopped onion
Blend these ingredients first in a food processor or blender.

1/4 cup basalmic vinegar
1/3 cup of crushed tomatoes
1/4 cup of red wine
Next, blend in these ingredients

1/2 cup of olive oil
1/2 cup of grated parmesan cheese
Stir in these last two ingredients, salt to taste.

I didn't add quite as much olive oil and added a little more parmesan cheese and I would say it didn't hurt it at all. I ate it over some fresh mozzarella, but you could also use it as a tapenade or for bruschetta. Sorry I don't have the requisite picture...yet.

What do MGs and Cupcakes have in common?

2010-03-29T14:57:00.000-04:00

Ugh, it's Monday once again and it's one of the grossest Mondays in my recollection...which only goes back a few days because really, all Mondays are gross. This one is cold, grey and rainy. I also had to take MG to the aiport. I have decided visitor man gets a shorter, more permanent nickname. MG is not his initials, I think those two letters sound good together, that's all. It could also stand for, My Goodness, he's hot. Or, My Goodness he's not gotten freaked out by me, yet. I have also always just liked the sassy little MG cars. Oh, so...to the airport, at 5:30am!! That means we got up at 5am! I didn't sleep almost all of the night because I was afraid I would miss the alarm and miss waking him up. We said our sweet, sad goodbyes and back to bed I went, until 8:56am when I thought I should wipe the goobies from my eyes and try to get rid of my morning voice before I talked to my life coach.

Today we talked about values. I'm supposed to do this exercise where I distill a list of values down to my top 5, in order of most important and then think about how my life is meeting those goals. Hmm...I think I might go walk over to the coffee shop and complete these. Maybe I'll do them tomorrow. I don't know. See, nothing sounds good today except a cupcake and watching (500) Day of Summer. I've never seen it before, but I have it and hear it's pretty good. Maybe there's a cupcake waiting for me at the coffee shop! Okay...now I might actually be motivated to get out of the house today.

Myday

2010-03-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

Fridays are usually my days. When I first entered the realm of unemployment, Fridays were like cleaning days. But when you're home 24/7 to messy things up, just one day a week for a few hours doesn't keep up with the mess.

But I have cleaning ADD. I start with cleaning out a dresser drawer, dumping everything onto the bed so I can decide what fits, what doesn't, what might and what will definitely never fit again. Then I decide dishes have to be done. Return to drawer mess, decide sheets need washing. Then I grab the towels. I hang dry a lot of things so things don't shrink (I hardly need that right now). So then I grab all that off the drying rack and bring it upstairs, but wait...that drawer. So I fold some stuff and figure out what I want in each drawer. One is for pants, one is for nice shirts and tanks and camis. And the other one for workout stuff. So, what goes in the other one? Oh, casual stuff, okay. So now the entire contents of four drawers are amassed atop my sheetless bed.

I think it might be time to go vacuum, but before I do, I must pick up the ten pairs of shoes by the door and put them away. Which requires a trip upstairs to the bedroom. I open the closet and decide there are probably a dozen pairs of shoes that I don't wear any more and wouldn't my sister probably like them? So I go through the shoes.

Focus, Lucy, focus.

Heartbreaker

2010-03-25T20:10:00.000-04:00

Today was just one of those days. Okay, so it's been one of those weeks. Mayhem and foolishness.

Two..three things happened...maybe four things worth noting happened today.

1. The balls-to-the-wall tough interview with Boston. It was tough. I respected that.

2. The ex-man-boy told me to eff off basically. Apparently nothing will ever be good enough for me. And when I say, "I think we have different communication styles. I want to sit down with you and talk. You don't seem up to the effort of having drinks or dinner or whatever. Which is fine, but I bend to what you want and I want you to do what I want for once. That's all." it "pisses [him] off." Should it really make him angry when I point out his selfishness. So, he decided to "say eff it, because nothing will ever be good enough for you." Wow. So... you'd rather just eff it, because I pointed out that not once in the whole time you've known me, have you ever just gone out for drinks, dinner...whatever, just to talk!! Are we really relegated to a juvenile text messaging relationship? I'm sorry T, as much as I (used to) like you, I just can't get with that. No, selfishness and never doing something I want, no something I need, is just beyond you. Nice. Thanks. As Esteban would put it, hey...leave him in the rear view mirror if that's where he wants to be. Thanks, SR. I will remember that wise piece of advice always.

3. After said long day, I was able to contact my crack team of drinkers (thank you, C.W.) who agreed to a drink at my local watering hole. It helped immensely that the waiter likes to hit on me. Oh, yes. He told me that I smell good. Asked my age. Asked if I was dating anyone. Oh when, dear waiter bloke, will all this attention earn me a free drink?!

4. Okay, so maybe 5 things happened to me today. I'm saving the best for last. I quit the leadership thing today and I think that I did it in such a manner as to extricate myself in the most professional manner possible.

5. Last, but certainly not least... Visitor man continues to be supportive, calling me and might even squeeze in a quick trip to see me before he leaves for Europe on Monday. He better stop before I become a smitten kitten.

And now, back to the music.... they call me heartbreaker...I don't want to deceive ya.... if you fall for me, I'm not easy to please....

Fishbowl Syndrome

2010-03-25T00:04:00.000-04:00

One of the things that I have struggled with immensely during unemployment, and particularly right now, is the lack of meaningful connection with others. Whether it be the secretary I always say hi to in the morning, the stories swapped over lunch, happy hours on Fridays and everything in between...all of the daily, mundane interactions are missing from my life.

I wake up and maybe talk to the cats. I talk to myself. I might text visitor man. I check emails, voicemails (never any), Facebook and then begin the never ending process of job-hunting. Connecting with someone via email, text or Facebook just isn't enough for me. I want a voice. I want to talk to someone. I want to see a face. I want a handshake or friendly hug or pat on the shoulder. When I do get the chance to talk to someone, I feel like I completely monopolize the conversation. Likely because I haven't talked to anyone for real in days! And sometimes, even when I do, I don't feel like I'm making that connection.

I probably annoy the heck out of visitor man; I text and want him to call me from dawn til dusk and beyond that even. But he has a job and a life that I'm not a part of and that's okay. I understand. I just want someone to really, really pay attention to me! Having someone's complete, rapt, undivided attention doesn't happen a lot lately. Someone who's really into me. I feel like I'm that fish in the fishbowl, peering out and observing the activity swirling around me, moving on without me.

When I'm out, I get such a thrill from the bloke who's making googly eyes back at me. Sometimes I just want to see if I still have it in me. Because on the inside, I feel like that short, fat, ugly chick that's out with all the pretty, popular girls. I know confidence doesn't come from someone else telling me I'm hot, but it sure does help.

Is it too much to ask, to feel engage and involved in life once again?

I'm looking so cute, I'm looking so fine....

2010-03-23T19:24:00.000-04:00

I've begun in earnest the journey of losing a few pounds. Preferably by July 31, 2010 which is my baby sister's wedding and I am to fit into a dress and look adorable. In this journey which includes as many hours as possible at the gym (okay only like one hour daily so far), it's also about eating healthy. This generally gets me in trouble as I do not like fruits and veggies so much. I don't buy cookies and snacky stuff, however, so that is a good start.

I know, I know. You are all so incredulous. No, I don't even eat corn. Sorry, it's totally a texture thing, I think. My mum should have stuck with baby food...now that texture, I can get with. So before my 30th birthday on August 16, if I haven't already mentioned it, my goal is to be able to include 10 veggies and fruits into my daily menu. So far it's been tomatoes and onions. Salsa, in other words. And chicken chili. I like strawberries and love love love pineapple! But it is hard for me to actually buy, bring home and then eat all that. I think it's the preparation factor.

Even though none of the fat has left my body yet, I am surprised by the confidence I feel, once again, since I have started working out regularly (only on day 3 but that's progress!). So tonight I'm rocking a jean skirt, leggings and a t-shirt (XS, thank you) that isn't shaped like a maternity shirt. Oh, and cute flats of course. Just wearing something cute and other than pj pants or jeans and a t-shirt is so confidence inspiring. I should do this more often.

In other news, I have a phone interview tomorrow with Boston. It was scheduled for today but they forgot to tell me about it. Also, visitor man continues to grow on me, quite steadily. I want to talk to him more though. His work schedule is bizarre. He will be away for two weeks in Europe (I tell him countless times how jealous I am that he is going to Amsterdam and he says he will bring me back stroopwafels. The man knows what stroopwafels are!!). Swoon. I love really smart, intelligent, nerdy people who know a lot of things. It's so hot.

I will also be cat-sitting this weekend which I am totally excited about as they are young cats...kittens! Well, I don't know how kitteny, but I just love cats. I'm also going to Denver in a few weeks and I scored a day long kitchen-baking-helper-dishwasher-whatever else-gig after I get back from Denver! I'm sooo excited about all these fun things that are coming my way.

Don't look now, but that might be a good mood beaming from my effervescent little face.

Healthcare...Yes We Did

2010-03-22T11:04:00.000-04:00

For those of my friends, families and readers who are die-hard Republicans, Obama-haters, anti-socialist healthcare or anti-Obama's healthcare bill-ists and healthcare non-reformists, I'd like you to take a step back and listen to a story about a young, successful and hardworking woman whom you've either come to love or have loved your whole life...me.

As you should know by now, I lost my job eight months ago. When I was employed, I had a high deductible plan and an HSA. I said good-bye to all that coverage and never said hello to COBRA or other coverage as it was too expensive on a monthly basis to warrant paying for. Besides, I'd always been healthy and accident-free. If I was in a car accident, I'd have had my car insurance cover medical bills.

But alas, eight months into unemployment and I've suffered a concussion at the hands of a negligent drunk person and serious dehydration due to food poisoning or a virus. Both times I was in the emergency room and had the full schedule of doctors, nurses and radiologists doing what they do best: making sure I was okay and charging me an arm and a leg for it.

I've never had debt in my life. No student loans. I paid my way through school by working a lot and making sure I could always pay for school at the beginning of each semester. I've paid cash for both cars I've owned. No car loans. No credit card debt. Now, I do have a mortgage but that is "good debt," I am told. I have a little bit of credit card debt and a LOT of hospital bills that if I were to pay, would not be able to pay my mortgage. Why, do you ask? Because I have no healthcare plan or coverage. Because COBRA is so expensive, I decided I would rather take the risk of sickness than pay for it monthly and not be able to put a roof over my head at some point.

It turns out, I did get sick. It's nothing you can help or prevent when it comes right down to it. I was careful. I wasn't willfully negligent in how I conducted myself. I was insulated from workplace germs. I still got very, very sick. I'm also single. I have no one but myself to count on for pay for things. It's all me, all the time.

I've also always been a productive member of society, paying my taxes and giving back to my community. While I now depend on federal aid to make ends meet, that's how it's designed to work. I've worked since I was 16, paid taxes and now, in a time when the economy is in a funk through no fault of mine, the government is helping me out. I'm still better off than many people, but I cannot go to the doctor unless it's an emergency. This costs more than preventive care, and millions are in the same boat as I am.

Stop. Think. I am someone you love. I am someone you care about. You do not want me to die because I could not afford healthcare. You know I have done nothing to deserve my situation. I am not willfully sucking public coffers dry because I choose not to work. I am still contributing to my community as I am able. Why don't you want me to have affordable, universal healthcare? Are you afraid of a socialist state?

Taxes? You are afraid of taxes? Really? Would not one of you, if I was laying on my deathbed and unable to afford lifesaving medicine, pay for it so I could live? So why would you now not want to contribute to my health and well-being in a slightly different manner? Do you only want to pick and choose who deserves healthcare and when? "Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me."

Maybe you're afraid of socialism, the big bad wolf. I don't think we're going to be sending our country in a spiralling whirlwind towards socialism. We are too firmly rooted in capitalism. I'm assuming 90% of the Republicans and others I know who are against this healthcare reform are Christian. Since when is it Christian to not care about others?

Why don't you want me to have healthcare?

Lately, I've been...

2010-03-21T14:02:00.000-04:00

I love titling my blogs with the first few words that come to mind that describe the over all emotion of what I want to convey in the entry.

This past week, while filled with some disappointments over not having an interview in Boston yet, has been filled with other things that I have found necessary to my survival as a social human being: human interaction. I've had less interaction with visitor man and I miss the intelligent conversations, the peaceful demeanour and wisdom that I've come to sincerely enjoy from him.

Previously, I've written about friends who dropped off and with whom I cannot reunite. Fortunately, God has graced me with new friends whom I heartily embrace because I need them so much (if they only knew, it might scare them). Hopefully I do not scare them away with my unemployed self (which is very different than the employed self).

I went thrift store shopping (which is a phrase I have difficulty verbally pronouncing so it's good this is in written form) with a new friend. It was a ton of fun and we found some great stuff. Since it was such a nice day, we went to a local park where I'd never really hung out, and ate our cheap McDonald's lunches. After a nice nap, my neighbour called and we went to get coffee, then decided to walk across the river to sit, eat and talk for as long as we felt like it. It took us an hour, each way! But it was the kick in the pants that we needed to get ourselves into the gym this morning.

And here is where I vowed to wake up at 8:30 every morning from now on and walk/run for an hour or more each day. I also started rowing again. Unfortunately, not on the river, but just at the gym. But I can close my eyes and imagine the smooth calmness of the water and imagine slicing my shell through the river with the fluid movements that require strength, intense concentration and coordinated balance. I can imagine how those movements allow the negative energies to leave my mind and allow myself to be filled with positive energy and happiness.

In addition, I have been reading a book called "The Soulmate Secret." While I'm not entirely sure I believe in asking the Universe for what I want, I wholeheartedly embraced the idea of letting go those past boyfriends and living a life that I would be proud to show my soulmate, should he arrive on the scene at any given moment.

Today, as I do laundry and contemplate my life, my loves and my future, I will attempt to do it with deliberate and purposeful thoughts, meditating on what I want from my life in the next days, weeks, months and years.

A Poem

2010-03-19T20:09:00.000-04:00

Sit
in the window of my house.
Listen
to the sound of alone.
Hear
the busy-ness of the street.
Feel
the sun kissing my skin.
Remember
the tender rays of love.
See
the lights starting to glow.
Suddenly
it's time to go.

Another Day in the Trenches

2010-03-17T20:26:00.000-04:00

I had a bad day today and I may, or may not, get over it. Perhaps a bottle o'wine will help. Perhaps I shouldn't put myself through that misery tonight...I'll feel worse in the morning.

I supposed the day started out benignly enough...if you can consider getting up at 7am benign. I personally do not. Despite the offensively early start to my day, I looked forward to the redemption of the leadership program which I hoped so much for. This month's class was on personal branding and relevant particularly during my job search process. The first part of the morning was good, if not invigorating. Lunch-time came and I felt as though I might actually see this thing through. Sometime after lunch the project groups reconvened and here is where the wheels fell off the track.

During the morning, I supposed I could tolerate the lack of meaningful conversations with anyone; after all, I was still half asleep myself. The women at my table lived near each other and had carpooled, but I thought it was good that I was sitting with people I didn't really know. I was making an effort. Lunch came and as many of us sat outside in the sunlight, the longest conversations I had was as follows:

me: Dave,* what do you do for the XYZ Foundation*?

Dave: blahblahblah Grant Administration.

me: Oh, cool, do you have any job opening right now?

Larry: You haven't found a job yet? That sucks.

Dave (cynical smirk): No. Definitely not.

*Names changed to protect the identity of the guilty parties.

Yep. Riveting, helpful conversation. One of the ladies who tried to get me to stay in the program said that my classmates would be there to help me, cheer me on and support me. I must have exceptionally high standards of what supporting one another is, because this did not reflect true support to me.

During the project group time, we attempted to establish what our project would be. I like to consider myself a creative dissenter, and dissent on the basis that it provides new perspectives and challenges the status quo of the group. As an "inspirational type" in the DiSC assessment, this is often what I do. It is not meant to be blatantly and badgeringly argumentative or confrontational, but I believe healthy conflict and debate is well, just that, healthy. What if no one ever disagreed with anything? Where would great ideas have come from? Plus, who wants to be a lemming, following the lemming leader off the edge of the cliff? But we are far and few between. Point in case, there are only three of us inspirational types out of 55 individuals. That's roughly 5.45% of us.

But when I put my unique talents to use, I get the sense that this is unacceptable. And finally someone pointedly said to me in a tone of frustration, "You have to realize we are not going to change the world." What? Really? Why not? I personally set out to change the world every day! Perhaps that's why I'm an inspirational type and she is...well, defeatist from what I can tell. I noted my disagreement verbally. Long story short, I don't believe this, nor my penchant for "creative dissension" was taken well by anyone. In fact, I got the cold shoulder from the group after that. Odd, cold stares and all.

It was no wonder that the remainder of the time I wanted to run out of there to burst into tears. I'm unaccepted in most places these days. Like a credit card, constantly being declined because I no longer have credit. That's me. I left in such a hurry that I left my purse behind. And so, I found myself at home, sans purse, keys and iPhone (which I no longer use as my primary phone so it's okay). I indeed burst into tears and random people walking down the street would stop and ask me what's wrong. I couldn't maintain my composure or my dignity. I have none left. My purse is nowhere to be found. I can't get in touch with the program leader to see if she found it. If she did, she hasn't contacted me about it and I'm not sure which is worse.

I decided that I couldn't spend one more minute with these small creatures called adults. I skipped the St. Patty's Day after party at the lamest bar in the city. I didn't hear from Boston, as promised. Visitor man, while responsive the last few days is barely responsive and communicative. But, we saw that coming from a mile away, right? Right.

And so, I sit in my pj's with my cats, a bottle of (as yet, unopened) wine and movies I've seen countless times. The sun fading quickly and I am reminded once again that my life has been turned on its ear; many friends long lost to the ever turning tides of my "situation" and I continue to deal in euphemisms to describe the personal hell I'm going through. The sting of losing friends, money, confidence, and my life as I once knew it, all sinking in, slowly and painfully. The healing process has yet to begin.

Continuance of Despair: Granted

2010-03-16T13:11:00.000-04:00

A renewed sense of despair and hopelessness washed over me today as I took a phone call from the Boston recruiter. I had emailed him to check in on the status of the interview. When I spoke with him last week, he had mentioned if I didn't have an interview last week, it would take another 10 days. So, when I heard nothing yesterday, I just sent a benign missive re-stating my interest and just checking in. After all, this is going on week 4 and it is the first time I have emailed to ask what's going on.

Approximately 2.4 minutes later, my phone rang. He explained that they had certain hoops to jump through and he wasn't going to explain it to me, because I would be confused (nice: please doubt my comprehensive abilities before you interview me/hire me). He said it was just something on their end, just one of the quirks of how the company is and had nothing to do with me. I have no idea what that means. He said he didn't want me coming all the way in for an interview if (and I can't remember his exact wording so I'm paraphrasing based off of my impression of what he really meant) there wasn't going to be a job for me there.

This news sent me spiraling back into the abyss of despair and hopelessness. Why is this happening to me? Did I count on this job too much? Have I been planning too much around this interview and planning to move already? What did I do to get this bad karma? Is God playing one big joke on me?

Even though I slept 12 hours last night, I want to take a nap. I feel exhausted from feeling all this emotion and now I want to go lay down and ignore the world for another hour or two. Feeling like this makes me aware of every negative thing I am going through: I dwell on my friends not calling me any more, even though I try to reach out to them. Leadership class tomorrow and feeling I have nothing business like to wear (particularly anything green as it's St. Patrick's Day) and my shoes are all in various states of disrepair and shabbiness, and being worn out...just as I am.

Well...I haven't given up on this Boston thing; I cannot give up hope now because if I do, I've got nothing left.

2010-03-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. Goodness. It's 10:16 on Saturday night and I am supposed to have plans, and as much as I really want to go to this birthday party, I am just being a homebody and staying in. I actually told some kid that I was 30 today. Really? 30? Bloody, I'm only 29. It's another 5 glorious months til I'm 30. I intend to celebrate!! All...something...is going to break lose on August 16. I want to go to Miami for my 30th...or maybe LA, depending... Not tellin' ya depending on what....

Visitor man (who I insist needs a better nickname) is coming tomorrow morning! Why am I excited? Yeah...not sure. I guess he's growing on me (insert sly grin here). It's oddly true that I find him incredibly sexy because he's had kids already. How weird is that? Or is it?

What else? I scored a chess tournament today. Yippee! It is actually not too bad, even though it's a long day. We had high school kids helping this year and some were great (thanks Abby & twin & Mr. Arthur!) and some I had to babysit (boo Bryce).

Last night I had dinner with this random friend I made. Or, a friend I made randomly. And I realized, I made one friend by meeting her at the garbage bin outside our condos, and another by sitting at a 6-top with her, her friend, 2 gay men and my friend. It was the opening of the latest restaurant and they didn't have enough tables so they seated us all together. I love how I make friends. Oh, and so last night at dinner, I made friends with an older gay gentleman sitting next to me. He was so sweet and polite and loved my curly hair. Oh. My. Goodness. Life is good.

random thoughts

2010-03-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts from my evening:

Found a-hole ex-boyfriend's business card. Why the hell did I keep that? Oh well, I'll have fun tearing it to bits and burning it.

I wonder who else's mother kept all their baby teeth and gave them back?

Was this my grandmother's pearl necklace? I should get the latch fixed.

Oooh, I just found a secret cache of bobby pins.

I wonder if my neighbours can hear my singing? Or my musics? Hmmm.....

If spicy foods really do burn fat, I'm going to be a stick after this batch of salsa.

Note to self: also drink more green tea.

What day is it anyways?

I really want to go dancing this Saturday; I wonder if I can get someone to go with me...or if I have anything in the wardrobe that will fit. Ugh...I'm fat.

I'm also bored.

Salsa Recipe

2010-03-10T17:59:00.000-05:00

Please note, this sh*t is SPICY! Almost too spicy for me. I'm going to take 2 when I get done typing this up. Also, this is my very own recipe, and first attempt at salsa.

1 can (14.5 oz) of Diced Tomatoes
1 can (14.5 oz) of Salsa Style Fire Roasted Tomatoes
1 medium onion, sliced thinly
1 garlic glove, chopped or sliced
1 can (7 oz) Chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
olive oil, about 1 TBSP
salt, to taste

Heat oil over medium heat; add onions and sweat 3-4 minutes. Put onions, tomatoes and garlic in food processor or blender. Add 1/2 can of chipotle peppers with sauce (this is what makes it pretty spicy; adjust to 1-2 peppers for milder salsa). Puree ingredients. Simmer in sauce pan on lo for 20 minutes; let cool.

Eat within 1-2 days or you can freeze for 2 weeks. It made two of these jars full (medium Ball canning jars). If you freeze it, don't fill it to the very top; it needs space to expand when it freezes.

So it turns out...

2010-03-10T15:41:00.001-05:00

Well, so Boston is pushed back until next week sometime. They know they are at the top of my employer list and that makes them eager to get me in, but the travel schedules of their people keep colliding is some kind of cosmic, let's keep her waiting sort of way. It's okay, I can't really blame them and I'm glad they have business to keep them very busy.

In the meantime, I have purchased a dress for being the Maid of Honour in my little sister's wedding. I was also the MoH in my big sister's wedding. I guess "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" is really working out for me. At least those are the only two weddings I've been in so far. None of my other friends who got married in the dawn of their 20's (or for some, the twilight of their teens) apparently saw me as a close enough friend to be more than the guestbook signer or some such thing. Ah...whatever. Less ugly dresses to buy and wear and toss out later. I'm not a 27 Dresses kind of girl at all.

It's been sunny and in the 60's here, which has really helped me get motivated to get things done. So I did the dress thing today, on a whim, as it occurred to me that it's now March and her wedding is in July. I'm pretty much a perfect size 4, so only if I lose weight (which I plan to do) and lose some in the bosoms, would I need an alteration. I also returned a pair of shoes that didn't work out for the upcoming interview, and a pair of pants that I decided not to need. I had bought them in a panic when I thought I was going to get a job and need something to fit my now slightly curvier figure.

On Monday...I did 4-5 hours of research on interview stuff and went to the gym as well. Yesterday, got my butt kicked by my trainer. I am sooo tired when I get home from training with her. Which is good, theoretically, until I fall asleep for an hour and then don't go to bed til 2am and don't wake up til 11am. Monday I actually got up at 8:30am, but I fell off that wagon quickly. I've just been doing other stuff too. Picked up some certified mail at the postal office, filed my taxes, threw away some paperwork I don't need... kind of spring cleaning I guess. Partially, in preparation for moving to Boston. Please note, I haven't even interviewed for the job yet, but I really feel quite positive about this one. I would actually be pretty devastated if I didn't get it. And, I'm wondering if by preparing to move there, it's too preemptive or if it's just adding to my confidence. I don't believe in "asking the universe to give you what you want" but I do believe in asking God, and positive mental visualization of getting what you want.

Ex-man-boy popped up the other day. Nothing new. Or exciting. He said we should get together before he leaves but I don't really think he entirely means that. I asked him if he wanted to go hiking next week or tomorrow if the weather was nice and of course, I'm not even sure why I bothered. Lame-ass was like, yeah, I'm probably gonna pass on that offer...but you have fun with that, lol. Don't bloody patronize me with your loling....lazy. Like, what is he doing that...ugh, I'm not even going to get into it. I just rolled my eyes, deleted the text and if he wants to get in touch or get together, he can ask me. I'm so over it. Okay, maybe not entirely, but trying. I just don't understand if you're sitting at home doing nothing (he told me he was trying to keep busy), why you wouldn't want to get out and enjoy the great outdoors? He told me he loved hiking and he was a freaking Boy Scout. So... lame-ass.

I also made cookies and now I'm thinking of doing a 5 mile walk with 2lb weights, but...I am also thinking of making salsa. I should really work out and take advantage of the nice day outside. My problem lately is that I want something really, really tasty to eat, but my craving never gets satiated, so I'm always eating. Gorgonzola cheese did not do the trick. I'm thinking if I just splurged and went somewhere really good for dinner, I would be fine. I don't know. I want to make salsa because it's healthy and my bestie said I could use her new food processor. She's in Vegas and I whenever she travels, I always make something and leave it in her fridge. She's my neighbour too, so this makes it easy. Or, should I stay home, make salsa and continue with the purging process? I cannot decide which will make me feel best. That's why I'm blogging.

No more news on visitor man. We've been talking, but I always have to initiate. I get so bored during the day, it's nice to have someone to text, but I'm probably annoying the heck out of him. I'm going to make some salsa now.

Bostonia

2010-03-07T21:09:00.000-05:00

One of the more depressing things I've had the pleasure to do this weekend is Boston housing research. I own my place here and since I'd lose a ton of money if I sold it now, I will rent it to some lucky bastard and rent a cheap, small hole in Boston. I feel like part of this would be so much easier if I didn't have 2 cats with which to concern myself. I have to realistically determine what I need/want in a place. For instance, since I will be gone 80% of the time, should I look to get a laundry service or make sure I have a washer/dryer in my space (note to self: research laundry services). Where should I live? Close to the airport or close to the office? Or in between?

Of course...I'm making the huge assumption that I will get this job. I'm now quite tired from a few hours of researching, but I know what a huge difference it will make, to be able to make a well-informed decision about where to live.

My overly-honest pie hole once again reveled in too much honesty last night and I think I really hurt visitor man's feelings. I just didn't think he actually liked me. Not that much, I mean I'm quite likable and all, but after having gone out only once, and living in different states and not answering my question about when he'd be back...well....I guess I figured he thought it was a fun time, but he'd have to go check out some other birds in other places and probably wasn't all too interested in a steady bird. While he is quite lovely, I don't think that he'd be willing to give me the 97.4% complete and focused attention that I, at the moment, require. I'm tired of having to be the unselfish person in a relationship and so, someone must pay me close attention should he like to win my heart.

Oh, well...I wasn't sure it was going to work even if I would like to have tried. I think I really just need a local bloke, so that he can give me 97.4% complete attention. I guess I will wait until my arrival in Boston to continue looking.

But, after a weekend of great debauchery, bock beer and shenanigans with all my friends, and a little sunshine, I can't say life is anything but grand. My favourite quote of the weekend came after my bestie and I were one of only 2 or three couples dancing (in front of a few hundred people) and of course, we were the only same-sex couple dancing (because we are friends, not because we are dating). And she saw an intern she had to on-board on Monday so we went to go apply some teamwork principles and try to drag her into dancing with us. This young little intern (who was what, all of 22 or so?) said that she and her beau had been watching us dance and he said, "Wow, they are definitely not shy." So, I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but heck, we were the only two people having the time of our lives and not giving a flying fig about what anyone else though. It was lovely.

Jumble Gym

2010-03-05T17:04:00.000-05:00

I have all these thoughts, just rambling around in my head. So...I guess let's start with the most important: I want this job in Boston! Not just because it's a job, or any job...but it's the right job for me. I'm still waiting to hear from the recruiter about when my interview will be. I'm still thinking next week Friday, but ring damn phone!

Also, after further consideration and review, I don't know if visitor man and I will entirely work out. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the living in two different states which is such a drag. I really wanted him to go to the local beerfest with me this weekend, because it'd be a fun date-like thing to do, but alas, not only is he working but of course, he's in a different state. He's nice, I like him but I don't know...I guess I miss that feeling that I had when I met ex-man-boy. Sometimes, I actually am afraid I am about to call visitor man by ex-man-boy's name. I wonder if his 8 year seniority to me affects how attractive physically he is to me. Or am I embarrassed that he looks his age (or older, if he's wearing his glasses). Is it me, just not sure what I want right now? Does nice always matter? Is it the only thing that matters?

Speaking of ex-MB, he is apparently moving back home (as in, to MI, to his parents' house) for a while. No, I haven't talked to him. This appeared on Facebook today. I think this is so ironic. He basically just quit his life, his job, me...to go to California and now, at almost 27 years old, he's moving back in with mum and dad. While my life may not exactly be in non-shambles, at least I can still support myself and land on my feet, take care of myself and my kittens.

Well, pre-drinks with my lovely neighbour lady await me and I and my jumble gym thoughts will go get worked out over a night of quaffing beers.

2010-03-03T21:54:00.000-05:00

I am so tired today. Yes, I stayed out late last night with handsome visitor man. He's a lot of fun and I can pretty much say whatever I want and know that I am still acceptable. Because sometimes, I say some pretty honest stuff. I actually don't even remember what time I went home. We got drinks and food and then went to listen to some latin jazz at a local jazz club...which was actually mostly empty. And I had my first slow dance. Ever. Yes, I have arrived at the age of 29 never having slow danced. It's a long story.

Anyways, I'm still waiting to hear from the internal recruiter when my interview is supposed to be. I figure if it is this week, then they will have to tell me by tomorrow. And even though I haven't exactly ruled it out yet, I am thinking it will be next week instead. My meeting yesterday with the gentleman who recommended me for the position went really well and he gave me a lot of advice for interviewing. I really, really want this job.

So I'm thinking about going to bed...even though it's like only 9:06pm. Yes, I'm really just that tired. And I need to do research for this interview in case it's this Friday after all.

I Became a Fan of "I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook"

2010-03-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, I became a fan of that group today. Damn Facebook. It's great for some things...like, reaffirming your ex was a jackass and why you're still glad you broke up. Venting in your status update. Posting pics of your most glorious moments. Getting back in touch with your cousins. Celebrating those special moments (and kids and weddings).

What it's bad for: when you randomly type in that guy's name...that guy that from the moment you saw him walk in the room you were head over heels, smitten like a kitten and there was no going back. That guy that is so handsome he to you he seems out of reach, but is real enough to touch, to feel, to hurt you... That guy that just has it all. Women love him. Men love him. He makes a lot of money. He lives in California. He makes your heart skip a beat. Swoon finally has a personal application; it's how he made you feel with that first kiss. Mmmm.... And even though it's been more than a half a year since you last saw him, just seeing that boyish grin, that hot body, that beautiful brown skin... it's like reliving every moment you ever spent with him. Your face lights up, just seeing his happy, glowing face.

And then. Reality. He just used you and while it was mutual for a while, he suddenly made it weird by implying that you were "comodotizing" him. Sure, you like the company of God's gift to women, then you resent that he knows it and flaunts it. You remember those sweet, soft moments just laying together talking and sharing and tender kisses, the way he wrapped you up in his arms. You're just never going to forget the way his skin feels, the way he smells and the way he is just crazy and funny and smart and everything, absolutely everything you ever wanted in a man. Everything. It was even cute how you fought because he is so obnoxious and then you made up.

Sometimes you feel "lucky" to be counted among one of his; one that he deigned to descend to and use. It all would have ended fine if your "understanding" had been understood by you both. Then you feel angry that you ever felt like you weren't "good enough" for him. Angry that he made you feel that way. Angry that he's really living the life: money, travel, doing whatever he wants, women, doing whomever he wants...

Then you realize, there's a fullness he will never experience. There's a depth he will never reach. There's a richness he will never have. There's a woman he will never touch. You. He can't have it all, after all...he can't have you.

Fiona and Her Blanket

2010-03-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have a cat who is, no joke, addicted to this electric blanket. MY electric blanket. We literally fight over it. And I win, because I am bigger (never said that before). But she still tries to find even one tiny corner to park her skinny little cat bum anyways. It's kind of cute, but I never turn the darn thing off, which I think can't be good. We'll find out when something burns or the electric shorts. And Other Cat vies for my lap while meowing forlornly, as though I have banished her.

A busy day...week for me. I have been working on cleaning since 10am this morning when I was jolted awake by a phone call (hope I did not have morning voice for Mr. Recruiter). So, either this Friday or next Friday I shall be interviewing in Boston...but he didn't give me a final answer today! I also went to get my size 6 bum kicked by my trainer at the gym. After a great yoga session yesterday and training today, I'm going to be sore tomorrow; I can totally feel it. I ran home, gobbled up some chicken picatta and held Fat Cat for a while while resting my eyeballs. Then it was off to babysit for a networking event. No childrens showed up, so home again, home again, jiggety jig...and $20 later...

I'm delaying the last part of cleaning: clothes. Ugh, I hate, hate doing this. You'd think I was 14 again, but no, I'm 29 and I can't stand putting clothes away. Yeah, just the putting clothes away part. I think it was because I didn't have my own dresser until I bought my condo. I shared one with my sister when I was little and I didn't have one really until I bought one about 2 years ago. But I detest this chore over all else. I even cleaned out and rearranged the vanity in the bathroom before I attempted this onerous chore. Actually, I cleaned it out with "I might be moving to a small, expensive apartment in Boston" in mind. Chucked half things of stuff that I know I'll never use and are like 2 or more years old. It's such a good feeling. Maybe I can get myself motivated to do that to everything else in my condo over the next 2 weeks.

So, tomorrow, I am giving myself time in the morning to get dressed, straighten my hair, last-minute cleaning and tidying up (hopefully there isn't much left to do after tonight). Then, it's off to lunch with a colleague who will tell me all there is to know about this job I'm interviewing for in Boston, meet up with handsome bloke and then... I have no idea what to do with said handsome bloke.

Okay, okay...off to clean and let Fiona have her electric blanket back. Ex-man-boy might as well have bought me an electric cat bed for Christmas, for all it gets used for these days.

Sunday's Child is Full of Grace

2010-02-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

Just so we're clear, I was not born on a Sunday. Saturday, actually. And I guess it's Tuesday's child is full of grace. Sunday's child is....well, here is what Mother Goose said:

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace;
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go;
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for its living;
But the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

So I guess I will work hard for my living. That's okay, because I do actually like to work. Love, love to work. As in, I neglect cleaning for a full month and then I clean, because it's a lot harder work doing it that way. Well, actually it's more like...when no potential men are around, messiness will abound (ha ha, my own rhyme).

I am expecting a visitor this week Tuesday, of the handsome black man variety, and I'm looking forward to it. So I am cleaning my condo. I suppose it's the polite thing to do, even though he will not see it. I'm not sure why I'm bothering, though.

So I began my Sunday with the obligatory noon awakening, followied by coffee and taking out the recycling before yoga (which was really amazing today, by the way). I really love my yoga teacher. She happens to be a close friend too, but that does not bias me. I would not be back week after week if I didn't love it. I'm just that way.

I fell flat on my Mexican Ass (as I affectionately call my shapely size 6 derriere) while closing the gate to the parking lot and later stabbed myself in the hand with the business end of a knife whilst cutting potatoes (quick recipe: cut yukon gold potatoes; mix 1 TBSP each of ancho chile powder, New Mexico chile powder and Laury's seasoning salt; pour on a little olive oil and sprinkle on the mix and stir around til covered, then bake at 425 F for 20-30 minutes, depending how you like your potatoes). I guess this is how excited I am to have someone handsome hang out with me. Also, I really like just listening to his voice. And he thinks it's cute when I drink and then I'm really flirty and Ms. Chatty Cathy. But all that aside, we are just friends.

One fall, a knife stabbing (what else would you stab with--oh, maybe a pen if a knife wasn't handy), yoga and a two and a half hour meeting later...here I am, dreading the "cleaning." Which actually is much needed. After the ex-man-boy and I decided to part ways, I guess I got a little lazy. But now, my house is smelling like a various assortment of cleaners. And now I'm hungry, but it's 10:13pm and I wonder if I should dirty my kitchen (which is only half clean at the moment). The Council of Cats says yes, because it will go well with my $4 cheap white wine. And I always listen to the Council of Cats. I stay up late usually, anyways, so I guess having dinner at 10:45 won't hurt anything.

In other news, I got to go salsa dancing this weekend, as well as dancing at some other club where some young bloke in sunglasses (yes, in a dark club, sunglasses) tried to grab me and make me dance with him. I'm not sure if it's just his thing to like grabbing a girl a third his size and force her to dance with him while she shoves him away repeatedly and hits him with her tiny fists, but lemme tell you blokes like that out there...next time...I'm kneeing you in the balls. Like I do when you try to pick me up because I'm so tiny.

Goodness, I love being me. Bring it on world. I shall conquer you.

Snark Snark Snarky Snark

2010-02-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

I really wish I would have taped this call I had today. Now I feel utterly snarky. Yes, I love the work snarky. What other word in the English language begins with "sn?"

So this call was about my commitment to the leadership program I committed to. Did I mention I committed to a commitment? And this commitment will almost definitely lead to me a job, as the director would have me believe. My fellow participants will be there to support me and help me through this difficult time. Wha? A bunch of high schoolers have the emotional intelligence to do that?! Had I known this when I was in high school, why, with that amount of emotional intelligence and passion to change the world...I just might have changed the world.

What I hate most, is when people try to compare their "career transition" to yours. Particularly when they are 25 years older than you, haven't been "in transition" in this economic environment and are married with kids and practically always have been. Nope, I'm sorry. You can't tell me that I'll be the one losing out on the most if I quit this program while you simultaneously berate me because you too, as a non-profit organization, will be losing income if I withdraw my participation.

Seriously, these were the most unsupportive women with whom I've ever had the displeasure of an uncomfortable conversation. I will be the one losing out on the most? Why? Because it's considered losing if you reject high school-ish, cliquish, anti-OTR, I'm here just for my resume I don't care about you behaviour? Ha ha ha. Try again maties.

And, sitting at home, not interacting with others with a crappy phone (yes, her words, not mine) is not a good alternative to being in their program. Sorry ladies, the more you try to force this horse to your corporate kool-aid infused water I'm gonna be buckin' and snortin' and stompin'. I do have other activities in which I participate, thank you very much. I do have other contacts and colleagues who could actually set me up with a job in my very own industry. Do I need you so much?

And thank you so much, for telling me that the only way to get a job in this environment is to network and to know people. Really? Is that why they say it's who you know, not what you know? Thanks for clarifying, I never knew exactly what that meant. And do you really think these high schoolers who offer me jobs in data entry and park and rec type work really really know of a high powered investment industry job? Okay, well if that's the case then tomorrow I shall expect to see monkeys and pigs flying.

Here, read this article about the realities of returning to the working world. And while you're at it, read this one about what I have to look forward to if I don't find a job relatively soon, and what my aunt and millions others are experiencing. And you are really going to act like you know what's best for me? Really? You're going to tell me that you know where I should be putting my emotional savings (of which I have very little)? Is putting up with childish, I'm avoiding you, you live in the wrong neighbourhood, and you have to pay for this shit really, I mean really, going to be my best personal and emotional investment? Okay, if you say so, I will believe you. Because you sound like you really know what you're talking about.

Basically the arguments for me returning to this program were a) [I don't care if you now have $4,000+ in hospital bill debt] you agreed to pay for this [hogwash] and we are counting on your financial obligation to us [to continue this tom foolery]; and b) ... you will be losing out on all [the fine, high school-esque behaviours that you got more than enough of when you were actually in high school, and] the job opportunities this [cliquish] city can offer you.

Seriously, I need to get the hell outta dodge and the sooner the better. I might self-implode from all the snarkiness I feel right now. And, pretty much continue to feel while living in this lovely city.

iWrite

2010-02-26T12:20:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of book or article titles that have been running around in my head, that I'd like to write.

I Think My Boyfriend is Being a Schmuck but I Can't Prove it. This is a book about all the ways in which I (and I'm sure others) have made up soooo many excuses why our man is good and not a schmuck when in fact, he is.
Never Trust a Skinny Cook. This is what my amazing great-grandmother, Memmaw, used to say. And my Granny used to tell me. This would be a cookbook, full of my amazing and most fattening recipes. Cream, sugar, butter, bacon, pancetta...just a few of my favourite things.
Ten Things to Never Say to Your Cats. An article about ten things you should never say to your kitties. Includes, "shit, we're all out of litter."
A Cocktail Party. This could be an article or a book, I haven't quite decided. It will be list of great cocktails for every major (or minor) life event. The Kamikaze for when your latest relationship crashed and burned. The Hurricane, because that's what's twisting through town when you put your hottest dress on, your red heels and that alluring scent to go rock the town.
Curly-Q. All about hair for curly haired girls. And boys, I suppose. Just to be fair.
The Don Cheadle Fan Club. Enough said. A picture book, of course. No words needed for that bloke.
Conversations with Kitty. All the things my cats and I would talk about if they could in fact, talk.
When I am Old. My memoirs.

Grateful: A List

2010-02-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

I am grateful for:

Friends and colleagues are are more than willing to help me prepare for this upcoming, very important interview.
The person who recently told me, "Don't waste this time. Don't take it for granted." You were right.
Friends who are constantly getting back in touch with me, just when I need it.
Neighbours who are the best! I'm blessed with neighbours turned friends and friends turned neighbours who are always thinking of me and willing to hang out and celebrate small victories with me.
FedEx, because it sends things to places really fast.
Having had a successful career previously. Parents who taught me my good work ethic and to save.
My aunt, for always being there when it really counts. I hope I can do the same for you someday.
Fellow bloggers like Broken Heel who read my stuff and are supportive to the unemployed community.
Bacon. Do I really need to explain this?
The cats, so I don't feel alone and useless...at least, not entirely.

On My Way to Employmentville

2010-02-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

I had been on a pretty good schedule of taking a Tylenol PM an hour before I wanted to go to bed, wind down with some tele, then actually sleep. I would then be able to get up at a reasonable hour and make progress in the job search realm. Sans the Tylenol PM, I'm having a hard time with that sleep part and I don't end up out of bed til (I'm embarrassed to admit this) around 11am. Then I check emails and such til noon with a cup of coffee and then I consider how I will spend the rest of my day.

Yesterday I went and bought a new suit for my interview. Turns out my old size 2 bum is now a size 6 and I freaked out! So I also spent an hour at the gym and signed up for a few training sessions that I've already paid for but haven't used yet. I intend to have that snug size 6 be a little less snug, if not by the time of my interview, then by the time I (hopefully) get hired by the company!

The job would involve moving to the Boston area, of course, and I would be on the road like 80% of the time. I'd buy a new wardrobe filled with wrap dresses and wrinkle-proof suits. I'd have to looke100% amazing, smart and capable 500% of the time. I've actually worked with this company's consultants before and I was always amazed at how fresh, well-dressed, professional and talented they all were. And that's why I want to work there.

So...there it is. I have a new suit and now I'm in pursuit of new shoes. I am wondering where the closed-toe pump in basic black went. Everything seems open-toed now and that is not acceptable for professional work (I guess unless you're a professional dancer or something). Of course, I'm working with only shoes that come in 4.5 and unfortunately it's not a lot. Thank you, Nordstrom, for having more of my size than any other major retailer.

And oh, the kittens! Whatever will I do with them if I am on the road presumably from Monday through Friday?! I don't know that I want a roommate because if I'm spending the majority of my time on the road, I want to come home and relax. I'll figure something out for sure.

Take Your Cat(s) to Work Day

2010-02-23T15:32:00.000-05:00

I just think everyone should have the opportunity to bring their kitties to work. That's all.

The most exciting part of my day so far, other than the Chipotle lunch I treated myself to is hearing back from that contact (we shall just call him Ace, as he was the ace up my sleeve). Ace contacted this certain employer who is interested in talking to me. In fact, my background would make me an excellent candidate at the firm and there is quite a bit of work to do in Brasil and would I be interested in that? he wanted to know. Would I be? I cannot think of anything better!! Ace relayed that I certainly had the language background and thought I was mobile.

I spoke to who I will now refer to as Chaz, and Chaz wants me to come in for an interview in the Boston, MA area. I am so, so excited! This would be an on the road 75-80% of [most of] the time. I'd initially stay pretty close to Boston, but knowing I have the language experience, he could put me on any urgent situations in Brazil or elsewhere. I need to consider relocating and being on the road that much. At this point in my life, the only concern I have would be for my kitties...I would miss them a lot and I would need someone to watch them!

My heart is palpitating, I'm shivering (maybe because it's 59 degrees in my place), I'm nervous and want to ace this interview. Oh, now I need to buy a new outfit and shoes; I need to look my BEST.

In other news, my grandfather passed away this morning. It is for the best as he was very ill with MS. RIP Grandpa J.

Playing the Game

2010-02-22T15:35:00.000-05:00

This morning I pulled that ace out of my sleeve and put it into play. The ace being that contact (former colleague) that thinks extremely highly of me and my talents, has a good business relationship with a coveted employer in Boston that pays well and has good benefits. It's a strong, self-funded company and offers a premier product to the investment world. Ladies and gentlemen, I am making my move. I have upped the ante and I am all in. In it to win it.

I'm also making progress in other areas, such as my laptop. Crazy Cat did not manage to completely screw it up, gracas a Deus.. It still boots up to Windows and connects to the internet. I let it dry for a few days, popped all the keys off and did some light cleaning inside with alcohol (rubbing alcohol that is, the bottle of tequila is for me). I was able to get my files off and save it to my handy dandy thumb drive without resorting to the Geek Squad, and saved myself $99. I will be sending it back in to HP, however, as some of the keys do not work.

I also had a recruiter email me to get my resume in a Word doc format, so I am hoping that this is an indication that good things are on the way...or at least, a job. This was for a position I applied for through a job site and is also in Boston, MA. The position sounds like a great fit for my experience and background, as well as career level.

Not much else is new. I still do not know what Google Fiber is...sounds like a breakfast cereal to me.

What do I... ?

2010-02-21T12:20:00.000-05:00

I asked myself two questions when I woke up this morning. First, I wondered what gets me excited these days? And secondly, what do I look forward to the most? Basically this boils down to one question burning in my mind: What gets me out of bed in the morning? Or, what would get me out of bed in the morning. Other than the fact that if I don't, my sister is liable to call the police and ask them to take me to a hospital. She tends to be overly dramatic about these things. Coffee and sunshine readily come to mind, but I'm digging deep to try to figure out what would get me going these days? Thus commences an accurate transcript of my inner monologue

I spend the majority of my time alone these days. Which I hate. Although the cats are here and I love just holding and hugging my big, fluffy Porshy-cat. But she's really just a substitute for what I really want: someone important in my life (aka a someone in a strong, committed relationship with me). I thought that T and I had that, and at first it was so great. I loved how perfectly I could tuck myself under his arm and he was a solid, muscular guy and when he gave me hugs, it was always so warm and cuddly and I never, ever wanted to move. I wanted to soak in all that love I felt. I miss him so much. But I miss the T that I knew when we first met, not the one that did all these shady things.

But enough of thinking about that stuff. A guy and has never made me truly happy, so what else? If I had a job, would I really be so much happier? Certainly perhaps less stressed about my finances. But if I took another finance/investment-related job, would I really be happy? I pondered this yesterday when I was downtown in the central business district and saw all these men in suits. I was actually, momentarily recalling the feeling of power and excitement one can have conducting a meeting or talking with an executive about the decisions facing the company. I too, wanted to don a suit once again and get back in the game...

Well...while making good money has always been a good thing... I reminded myself that I've always made more money than every guy I've dated, except my first boyfriend. Although, when I first met him, he was an intern and I was an almost full-time assistant in the same department. My AGI that year was actually probably more than his. Ha. I have never thought of that before. But it really kind of sucks always making more than whomever I'm dating. Also, I guess T made more money than I did...I was unemployed.and he was not. But I had had a better job and had made more money than he did before that. So when do I get to be with someone who can take care of me and I don't have to feel obligated to take care of him, financially or otherwise because I'm the one who makes more?

Back to the job thing...so, am I really happy in this Midwest, highly segregated, conservative, extremely cliquish city? Sure, friends and such have been great, but I keep coming back to what I really want: a loving, committed relationship. There's something you should know about me here. I'm not really attracted to average white-bread American boys. Okay, not really attracted to white men. And as much as I hate to say it, the majority of non-whites here are thugs...just as much as in Kentucky, most whites are hicks. Yes, I'm generalizing and stereotyping and you can hate me for it, but it's kind of true. Not to mention, if you're white and grew up in this city, you're likely to think your high school days were your hey-days. It's true. They don't have much of a world view here, in a city where you are judged upon what high school you went to. I had a conversation yesterday about this with two women from this area who I think did not appreciate in the least, my strong aversion to dating their men. They are used to it. It's what they presumably want or get to look forward to if they want to get married and stay here. But me?

Not a chance. I'm looking for someone well educated, ambitious and if not already successful, I'll take well on the road to success with great potential. Mature, kind, compassionate and no credit card debt (read: financially stable). Someone with a world view. Preferably preferring to take our kids (if we have them, I'm not sure on that subject yet) to museums not the suburban devil. They just don't make those here, I'm convinced. I could launch into my tirade of yesterday and explain how the women of this city have done a great job of conditioning the men to treat them poorly and to expect a hook-up over a real relationship, but I can already feel the painful jabs of daggers coming my way. At that point in the conversation yesterday, I could sense I had really offended one girl (she said she was eternally single though, since she had three cats so I'm not sure why she cared so much).

So, moving to Boston, NYC or San Francisco or...somewhere with a much larger and diverse population where I feel I'd fit in and not stick out like a sore thumb would be apropos. Also, I sense more jobs are there anyways. I really don't know how this monologue of what excites me and gets me going turned into a diatribe about this city. Maybe it's my anger towards T being directed towards other things. Don't worry, even thought T knows about my blog, he never reads it. Which I always thought was uncool. Because if you like me and care about me, read my blog so you know how I feel about things...I'm handing you a "get to know me better with low effort" on a platter!

Sigh. The end.

Friday Night Lights

2010-02-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to a new restaurant opening in my neighbourhood. This is a big deal, as is my neighbourhood, as it is the location of 2001 race riots where part of the city was on lock-down (guess where I live). I LOVE my neighbourhood and I did a lot of research before deciding where I wanted to buy a house. I bought a condo and haven't looked back since.

The new restaurant was so busy on opening night that the hostess seated my friend GG and I at a 6-top. With two other couples who didn't know each other. By the end of the evening, we were all fast friends and vowed to come back and do this again, some with significant other additions. It makes me so happy that 6 perfect strangers can come together and over food, become good friends. And, the food was good. Particularly the truffle fries, which I will definitely be going back for. I can definitely see myself hanging out at the bar for drinks and truffle fries. I just love, love, love having a neighbourhood hangout spot.

After eating, GG and I went to the CAC for the opening of Shephard Fairey's exhibit. It was phenomenal, but I'll have to go back as it was super-crowded and hard to really enjoy the art. I met up with friends at a local hotel bar and (still not drinking), made some more new friends. One of the young lads I met is actually moving into my neighbourhood (if the condo negotiations are successful) and that is exciting. We bar-hopped for the night, I danced one salsa dance (very badly), did not drink (yay for me, but I really wanted a glass of wine!) and ate pizza. I saw one of the guys from my leadership group that I hadn't met yet and introduced myself. He is nice.

And there is the old ME! Coming back... It's amazing how much more attractive I am when I'm happy. Ah...

Be Happy!

2010-02-19T14:05:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine emailed me an article entitled, Nine Tips for Feeling Happier When You've Lost Your Job--Or Fear You Might. Other than being a mouthful... the title intrigued me.

The only one that I particularly disagree with at first is #7: Be wary of treating yourself. But I see the point and have actually practiced this. I have indulged my inner foodie with a little too much, had that extra glass of wine, bought the gorgeous 4" gold heels...and then, felt fat, had a hangover and sadly returned those beautiful little bitty heels that would have gone great with my gorgeous gams. Have I ever mentioned my love of alliteration?

But there are things you can, and should, do to treat yourself. I spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower when I deign to take one. I don't pay for water, it warms me up and it relaxes me. Buy that awesome song on iTunes because it keeps you pumped up. I recommend Can't Box Me In by Honor Society. Get out and dance, put on your pretty party dress, grab your girls and go...

One of the best things I did for myself recently was get rid of my cable. Sure, I'll miss the Golden Girls, but I still dream about them at night (true story: Dorothy and I were hot on the trail of a murderer last night). But...guess what I'm doing instead?

I applied to the local culinary institute. I want to learn flambe. No, really. Setting fire to food is a talent. I invented a blog so I can write whatever the hell I want to. I'm blasting and bopping around to loud music during the day, singing at the top of my lungs to my favourite songs. I dance around with my cats til they puke (another true story) and I can't stop laughing. I never make up my bed...okay, so that's not really a new one. I use my financial calculator sometimes, just for fun, to pretend like I'm an important investment person still. I made a blanket fort for Delinquent Cat with my ironing board and a huge blanket. And I spent time in it with her (yes I am that small, I can fit under an ironing board).

I'm giving you this present that tells you about what credit card changes are taking effect on Monday, February 22. You should read it. Credit card debt is bad and I will never marry anyone who has it.

Day 210

2010-02-18T22:27:00.000-05:00

Today Portia and I ate Chicken McNuggets together. I had returned my cable box and some articles of clothing I had purchased for an interview (thank you, expanding waistline) but had not needed, and I was quite hungry. During my last few days of self-imposed misery I had eaten little more than a half a loaf of bread of some multi-grain variety with a lot of butter, and some noodle soup. Whomever invented bread and butter, and I honestly think it was the Dutch, should be greatly rewarded in the afterlife. But I digress.

After I ran errands, I decided to treat myself to protein and settled on McDonald's as it was across from the mall. I had intended only to buy a 4 piece for a dollar but then remembered here in Ohio, a 4 piece is not on the dollar menu. The kids meal was $3.20 and the 10 piece McNugget meal was $4.95. According to my lightning fast calculations, the 10 piece meal was a better deal. I ate all 10 nuggets and the fries. The Coca-Cola (regular, of course) left a slightly chemical taste in the back of my throat so I didn't finish it. For those of you who know me, eating all that is quite a feat. But I had help.

As I was sitting in front of my computer, Portia lept onto my lap and grabbed the half eaten nugget out of my hand and ran off to enjoy her spoil. She returned for seconds. What an emboldened cat I have.

Now that I no longer have cable until next football season, I have to actually do stuff during the day. My condo might actually get cleaned up. Since I don't have to keep it neat for regular company, I generally do not keep it neat at all. After all, I would not want to let my mother down. I like to live up to her expectations.

I enjoyed the company of my new neighbour, KK, today as well. His lady love needed a cake pan so I brought one over. Then we walked to the Contemporary Arts Center and went for a coffee. I came home and now all of a sudden it is almost 10:30pm. I will watch some 30 Rock and The Office on NBC and continue holding fat cat who wants nothing more in this life than to be attached at the hip with me.

Emotional Assault

2010-02-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

I discovered an article entitled, "Unemployment Is Not Leisure" (see page 41) by Martha Falconer-Blake. It was written in 1983 by someone using a pseudonym, but her (I presume she would use her own gender in creating a pen name) eloquently written sentiments on unemployment reflect my own experience so accurately, I decided I simply must discuss them with you. She has written her thoughts better than I have been able to express my own.

She describes the "adjustments" an unemployed individual makes in her life, whether it is in relationships, social standing or support. While I had never pinpointed with the author's own precision what exactly it was that I have lost, her description of a loss of status is exactly what I have attempted to portray within my blog. And, what I believe, those who have not been unemployed do not, and cannot, understand.

"I then realized I had a loss of status and resisting this loss had culminated in my present state. The customary restraint which I had was no longer evident. I cried easily and the cooperative habits I had in happier times began to disintegrate."

This particular paragraph struck such a chord with me. It so accurately describes what I feel has happened in my own personal life. My loss of status has brought me to a point where indeed, my normally cooperative nature in social situations has deteriorated. Case in point, the weekend leadership retreat. I often feel that my own misery was probably so evident in my demeanour that it likely repelled others. And my perception (and worst fear) that my lack of any status would also repel others became a reality. Telling others that I am unemployed is a far cry from being able to say I am the VP of an investment firm. And just as the author found it easy to cry, I cried myself to sleep that evening.

Martha (I feel we're on a first-name basis already) does not fully explore the effects of this loss on her personal relationships. She states that she was a provider, so I imagine she had a family or those who depended upon her. She discussed withdrawing from certain social contacts because many people are unaware of the length of unemployment; she could no longer "cover up" her unemployment. This is an area, however, where I feel my loss of status and income has made the largest impact.

Prior to my unemployment I made good money. I was able to do pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted. This included enjoying dinner and nice restaurants, drinks, dancing, and other social engagements. By nature, I am a social butterfly and have generally enjoyed a full social calendar. I was single as well, and more than capable of providing myself with the entertainment, dining pleasures and other enjoyments for which other people might rely on a significant other.

Almost to the day, a month after my unemployment began, I met a delightful young man. When I met him I stared him dead in the eyes and stated that if he couldn't handle an independent woman headed to Harvard, he could just move along. I was so brazen and bold with my insistence to not date while I was unemployed. Besides, he was only 26 and I doubted very much he could handle a strong, intense woman as myself who had once had a stellar career and probably made more than twice what he made. But he laughed it off and contacted me the next day and continued for two months, to make every effort to win me over. Little did he know that he had indeed won me over instantly. Thus was the wonderfully blissful beginning to our relationship.

Sadly, as with Martha, my cooperative habits of happier times disintegrated rapidly over the ensuing months. I wanted so much to lean on him for everything that I needed physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Coupled with my deteriorating condition, his lack of ability and/or desire to provide me with everything I needed and wanted created a situation where I was no longer desired. at all And could I blame the poor bloke? Most days, no, I could not.

I invoked my inner scorned woman and unleashed fury upon him. I refrained from inflicting fury of hellish proportions on him, although I'm certain he thinks I did. Dear Sweet Tea, it could have been so much worse. I have oft apologized to him for things not working out between us and although he states it's not my fault, I know it takes two...to fight and to get along. I feel like if I had been at my best while our relationship was young and growing, we could still be together. I'm sad that it didn't get the chance I thought it should have and that this was due in large part to my situation.

Now, I know what many readers will think and say...that if he truly loved me, or cared about me etc. etc., none of this would have mattered. Sure, I understand that, but when a relationship is so young and fragile and it's with a young and self-centered 26 year old, difficult times threaten the endurance of the relationship. He is moving, hates the midwest and the snow and can't wait to get the hell out of dodge. Who am I to impose my needy state upon him and implore him to stay and take care of me, while he would rather be in warm, sunny LA dancing and enjoying drunken revelry with women less needy and more beautiful than I? It's a lose-lose situation.

When I state that he is self-centered, I don't intend this to be a mean-spirited statement. I understand that a 26 year old young man is in a completely different stage of life than I am. That's precisely why I told him point blank, in no uncertain terms, who he was dealing with when he met me. In the end, it turns out that my initial assessment was in fact, accurate. My loss of status in the end, propelled me into that state of despair that he is not equipped to handle. I'm not sure if I am.

I believe Martha looked into the future and felt my heartache. "Like a disease, the state of unemployment threatened my entire being." I you are, are have been unemployed, I am certain you too will understand what Martha and I have felt. There is a certain comfort in knowing others have gone before you, some are journeying with you, and a hope that there is no one else to follow.

Unemployment is like...

2010-02-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

...a toilet. You keep getting dumped on.

Today I thought I would post a bunch of quotes on unemployment. Who knew there were actually a lot of quotes on the subject, made by very famous people? And none of them are happy quotes.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. Harry S. Truman

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden. Orson Scott Card

Hunger is not the worst feature of unemployment; idleness is. William E. Barrett

A man willing to work, and unable to find work, is perhaps the saddest sight that fortune's inequality exhibits under this sun. ~Thomas Carlyle

You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live. William Shakespeare

A man who has no office to go to - I don't care who he is - is a trial of which you can have no conception. George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. Slappy White

[O]f all the aspects of social misery nothing is so heartbreaking as unemployment. Jane Addams

Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses. Cato the Elder

The hardest work in the world is being out of work. Whitney Young, Jr.

An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Anonymous

Unemployment diminishes people. Leisure enlarges them. Mason Cooley

Unemployment is like a headache or a high temperature - unpleasant and exhausting but not carrying in itself any explanation of its cause. William Henry Beveridge

We believe that if men have the talent to invent new machines that put men out of work, they have the talent to put those men back to work. John F. Kennedy

When I quit working, I lost all sense of identity in about fifteen minutes. Paige Rense

When we're unemployed, we're called lazy; when the whites are unemployed it's called a depression. Jesse Jackson

I do not believe we can repair the basic fabric of society until people who are willing to work have work. Work organizes life. It gives structure and discipline to life. Bill Clinton

What is the good of being a genius if you cannot use it as an excuse for being unemployed? Gerald Barzan

The shock of unemployment becomes a pathology in its own right. Robert Farrar Capon, "Being Let Go," New York Times, 5 August 1984

My Babies

2010-02-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

Fiona, 5 aka Delinquent Cat

Known Aliases: Crazy Cat, Bad Kitty, Princess Fiona

Portia, 4 aka P-Cat

Known Aliases: Portia Maria, Little Pisser, Mama's Girl

Hire Us - New Blog Feature

2010-02-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

I have added a new feature to my blog. It's called Hire Us. It's a link list of unemployed individuals who I think are awesome and talented. If you are unemployed and would like a link to your personal website to be displayed, please submit a comment with your site and explain why you are so talented.

Please note: I reserve the right to exclude those who I feel do not reflect the quality by which I should be represented.

Snowmegeddon Part III

2010-02-15T10:51:00.000-05:00

Here in the lovely Midwest, we are getting another snow storm. I have immensely enjoyed the last two and am presently blissfully looking out the window on a wonderfully snowy, wintery scene. I guess my enjoyment is two-fold. 1) Snow seems to make the grey, overcast and freezing cold temperatures more than useless. If we're going to have icky and grey days, let's lighten it up with some pretty, white snow. 2) If no one else can get to work and if schools are cancelled, then I feel justified in my lack of productivity. Oddly, days like this make me more productive, as do bright and sunny days.

Well, now that that's settled, let me tell you about my weekend. Friday night, I went to a club with a friend of mine. We had a very enjoyable time and I did not drink...I'm a cheap date these days. I'm sticking to my non-drinking like a life ring. If I can accomplish this one, tiny thing, perhaps my self-confidence in myself and my determination will be slightly restored. Besides, Saturday morning I had to help some friends of mine move. They already lived fairly close to me but now they are literally across the parking lot. Strangely, this makes me feel not so alone. And, it's my homeboy KK and he has also been unemployed for nearly a year. He is an extremely talented designer. If you need a designer, you should hire him. I'll put a link to his fine work on my blog.

It was pretty cold Saturday morning, but this was mitigated by the bright sunshine and cloudless sky. Twenty degrees did not feel like twenty degrees. So they got all moved in and now I can invite myself to come and visit! I had to leave a little early from that to go babysitting for a day. Ah, a free, warm place and free food for a day. The kids, 10 and 8, boy and girl respectively, were great. They begged me to take them to Chuck E. Cheese, which I have decided is the surburban devil.

Why, you ask? Well. Let me explain first, that the only time I ever went there as a kid was when my grandparents took us for my cousin's birthday. Secondly, my parents took us to such places as the Gerald R. Ford Museum and other such places. Both parents, my father especially, are avid readers. My dad loves historical stuff and thus we visited rather educational things when we were kids. I contemplated this as I tried to keep on eye on my the two kids. If I ever have kids, it's doubtful that I will take them to Chuck E. Cheese and such places. Honestly. My kids will probably be as big of nerds as I am, or they will serioiusly rebel and be the complete opposite.

We also visited the Henry Ford Museum and Greenfield Village multiple times. As an adult, I returned to both places with my first boyfriend and we had a ton of fun. My granny lived in Texas, where my mother was born and partially raised. We visited her a few times (insert memory reel showing three sick kids in the back of a Cutlass driving from Michigan to Texas). Part of the Mission Trail, in particular the San Antonio Missions, is a memory I savor. My older sister and I were in matching sun dresses that my mother made us and we wore sombreros to keep the sun from our fair skin. I loved visiting the old missions, including the Alamo while my older sister thought it drudgery and she complained endlessly. I think my love of the sites fueled my father to keep driving us to "one more" and I took pleasure in my sister's misery.

But alas, I digress. Chuck E. Cheese is the suburban devil and the kids were great and I returned home yesterday afternoon, before the snOMG III began. I didn't stock up on eggs and bread and water as people in these parts are wont to do before a snow storm. I am in walking distance to a grocery store and am not afriad of getting out and walking in snow if need be. I got some dinner from Buffalo Wild Wings as a reward for making some money this weekend. Chicken tenders are like crack to me. Or comfort food, I'm not sure which. I got the parmesan garlic and asian zing sauces. Portia helped me eat some of the chicken and Fiona actually tasted the parmesan garlic sauce, after which she couldn't stop licking her chops. I don't think she cared for it all that much.

In other news, my sister (the one who hates the Mission Trail) and I may start a food blog Our little sister who is probably relieved she was too little to remember any of the Mission Trail, is now the sous chef at the JW Marriott in our home town. We may possibly rope her into this endeavour as well. I will keep you all posted.